Well I'm not gonna force you to read my blog, but if you should happen to stumble upon it, take the time to sift through it as it may prove to be of some relevance to you. God forbid, you may actually enjoy it and you would wish to click the button which would mean you were eternally my follower. There isn't really any sort of meaning or specific task that this blog sets out to fulfil, think of it as bohemian.

Thursday, 5 November 2009

Read this if you care. But its a wacky trip.

I don't want my feelings to get the better of me.
But I want to be better for you.
What's the point of feeling if you don't even get the chance to follow.
I could wander aimlessly across the streets but always know where I'm going.
Just because of what's inside.
Its what's inside that lets you understand what's outside.
But without the outside to understand.
You've got no reason to even have an inside.
If I could understand the outside then I'd have reason.
I've had reason, and I've had understanding.
But I've not had the two in conjunction.
I'd very much like that one day.
This may seem like a pointless blog post.
It may as well be.
But I'm not exactly sure what is going on in my mind at the moment.
And this seems to be the best way to get it all out.
I regret nothing but I look back and mourn on the past.
My past is nothing to be proud of.
Neither will my future be.
I often don't see a point in waiting on this train to get off at the next stop.
I often think it'd be much easier to just jump into the next carriage.
And join the beautiful girl in red.
Our trains don't have the same destination.
I don't want to have to make the effort to intend to do something.
And then never do that.
I've got feelings.
I've had them before.
But they hadn't been noticed.
That's what makes things harder than they need to be.
Its not like I tried not to notice them.
Its just that they didn't make themselves clear enough to me.
Or maybe it was that I wasn't making myself clear enough to them.
I don't think I'm fair to myself most of the time.
I think I should give myself a break.
But I also think that if I did, I'd lose what I am.
I try to be myself, that's the only person I've ever been good at being.
You can't change me.
I can try to change myself.
Its not easy.
I suppose it's doable though.
If you've ever felt like you've had to change just to achieve something.
Just so you could know how it felt.
Then you've got nothing to hold onto anymore.
Its never worth it.
That's what some people say.
I don't believe them.
Its always worth it.
But the method isn't always.
Travel is a means to an end as they say.
Too bad I feel like I'm just running in circles.
In my mind.
I don't mind.
But I do care.
And its these amalgamated emotions that lead me to my slow and painful breakdown.
I expect I'll hit another depressive state within the next week.
It'll be a bad one too.
I really bad one.
I don't think I'll get out of it so easily.
I will get out of it.
I always do.
But its not exactly the nicest walk through a summery park.
There are people that I love in life.
And they are what keeps me going.
They keep me waiting for the nice walk through a summery park.
I can dream of that day.
Its always changing.
But it gets better and better.
Too bad that's in my head.
I won't let my feelings get the better of me.
But I still want you.

I'm going to save my money to buy a banjo and learn how to play it.


  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

  2. it gets better. eventually.
    don't give up.

  3. It hasn't showed signs of improving for a while.

    I'm not hoping for anything.

  4. i know the last thing you want to do probably isn't to talk to anyone, but if you want to, you can talk to me. or rather, down at me :)
    i only recently managed to stop letting my feelings get the better of me, and it's been 3 years. sometimes it's a long wait.