Well I'm not gonna force you to read my blog, but if you should happen to stumble upon it, take the time to sift through it as it may prove to be of some relevance to you. God forbid, you may actually enjoy it and you would wish to click the button which would mean you were eternally my follower. There isn't really any sort of meaning or specific task that this blog sets out to fulfil, think of it as bohemian.

Thursday, 31 December 2009

I can't wait to go back to college next week. I've been going insane by not seeing people over these holidays so, at least for 5 days I will see friends constantly. Hopefully it'll act as a top-up. Maybe that's what it is to me. I have to see friends often enough for it to make sure I don't lose the will to live from loneliness and deprivation.

Thankfully today I will get to see a lot of people but, still, as I've noticed recently, I've been losing contact with people and its upsetting to know that I could lose hold of people so easily and that also it could be so easily prevented.

Modern Warfare 2 blows.

Monday, 28 December 2009

Looks like I've got a knack for this. I'm still going to play it out even though I know I shouldn't.

But you can't break a Christmas promise...

Thursday, 24 December 2009

Its Christmas Eve

and I've only wrapped two fucking presents and I hate, hate, hate your guts, I hate, hate, hate your guts and I'll never talk to you again, unless your Dad will suck me off, I'll never talk to you again, unless your Mum will touch my cock, I'll never talk to you again, ejaculate into a sock, I'll never talk you again, I'll never talk to you again.

Happy holidays, you bastard.

Tuesday, 22 December 2009


I've been playing a lot of acoustic songs lately. I don't know what it is about them but they just make you feel so insignificant, as if there's always something bigger, something more important. For some reason though, it feels good to know that there's something bigger. Because you can aspire to be that bigger thing, to become what all those other people wish to be. It gives you a cause, a reason. And I love that.

Sunday, 20 December 2009

Mind games.

Are we on the same level?

Thursday, 17 December 2009

I don't know what it is that makes me feel like this. But its just in there, innate. I think they're almost like doors. They come as you walk through life.

I'm getting better at this, that's for sure.

Watched Twilight again today because I was tremendously bored. Such a let down of a film, honestly. Perhaps New Moon will be better but I'm seeing that on Monday so, until then, I need to make more plans to keep me from dying of boredom.

The snow. It hurts.

Saturday, 12 December 2009

It almost happened again last night.

I don't know what to do anymore I may as well just get it over with and do it myself. The worst part is not knowing whether or not you'll actually get through that night.

At this moment in time I don't think I should have that little box in my room, its far too scary to think about the possibilities.

Friday, 11 December 2009

I am so, so ashamed of myself. I can't believe I let that happen. After all these months I thought it would be the last time but, alas, I failed again. I don't even know why I did it. It happened without me realising.

I'm going to be dead to a lot of people for a long time.

Thursday, 10 December 2009

There's no reason.

Again I'm back to the first step. This feeling is all too familiar, clutching my mind and body an a ice-cold grip. Tearing the essence of life out of my heart. The remaining fibres of my stability are being stretched and manipulated into a shape I don't recognise as my own.

This isn't me anymore. And I don't want to live if that's what I become. I've had enough of living a life for multiple people. I wish I could just have a moment for me to be how I used to. I haven't felt human for years now, and I miss the life I used to have. So simple and unaware of everything. But I've been toughened up and I've had my skin grazed and my soul cut over the years. Its turned me into a nightmare.

I mean it. I always do. So I'm really scared right now, and I don't want this for me, but unfortunately I've come so close to it before that it could take so little for me to just step off and fall.

Or maybe I'd fly.

Excuse me while I cry.

Sigh ;(

I know I'm not the hero,
Standing on the rooftops watching over you.
I can only be the zero,
Standing in the streets over missed phone calls.

I'm not wearing the cape that I'd carry you home in.
I'm not always going to be standing strong and tall.
But I know I can wear my heart on me sleeve,
And catch you before you fall.

Its a start I suppose.

Wednesday, 9 December 2009

I want to write a new song.

I think its too late for me to say,
What I want to say.
I dream of you everday,
But you've gone away.

And I never got to say goodbye baby, goodbye.
And I never got to say goodbye baby, goodbye.
I've never moved on.

I used to be yours and you were mine,
We had so little time.
But still I can't get you off my mind.
You were so divine.

And I never got to say goodbye baby, goodbye.
And I never got to say goodbye baby, goodbye.
You'll never come home.

You were my dearest friend.
Will I see you again?
I do all I can just to pretend,
It never had to end.

I never got say goodbye baby, goodbye.
I never got to say goodbye baby, goodbye.
I've never moved on.

Please come home.

But I need ideas for it and at the moment there's nothing else in my mind.

Tuesday, 8 December 2009

It won't be so easy but I think that if I try hard enough then I can get out of this with less damage than normal. Even though its not what I really want, its what should happen and so I'm happy with it.

Just as the wind blows a dandelion seed in front of your face, sometimes you've just got to let that wish go. But maybe if you wait all day for them to blow away from you, you can wish upon a star instead.

One hundredth blog post. Certainly not the last. I want to thank Paula for introducing (forcing) me into making a blog as its actually one of the few things that I really enjoy doing. I may not write the most amazing, thought-provoking or even interesting blogs, but it gives me a medium to just throw words at so, thank you Paula, I'll make sure I go through a hundred more :)

Sunday, 6 December 2009

This is me.

Before I go on, let me just say that I don't expect any of you to understand this post, I myself don't understand some of it myself but, I think its about time I wrote this down because maybe, just maybe it will give me a better idea about what I am.

Here goes.

There are five sub-personalities that I have. If I had to give them names, then the closest I would get would be to call them; Stable, Remorseful, Altruistic, Ignorant and Malignant. Each of these then lends a hand to building my complete, split personality. However at times, the contributions are not always proportional, thus leading to further permutations of multiple personalities. During intense, emotional times, one of these personalities actually completely dominates and leaves me feeling extremely fatigued just from all the thoughts in my head that it forces me to listen to.

I'll try to describe each of these sub-personalities.

Stable: Despite the name, this is not a completely happy, jolly side of me. It is just where I am emotionally stable and will not change my emotional state during the time that it is most dominant. So for example, if I were in a happy state and if Stable was dominant, then my state would stay happy. The same applies for negative states, etc. Stable leads me to think down a specific route and also it lends a hand to my persistence and ability to argue for causes which I may be wrong about.

Remorseful: With this sub-personality, I become extremely retrospective and look back on events that happened years ago. The only reason this happens is so I can blame myself for everything as when this is dominant, I believe that nothing else is the cause apart from me. That may sound like I'm thinking too much of myself, but, more often than not, it causes me to belittle and attempt to crush my spirit. Many times when Remorseful has been dominant, I've failed to act upon certain situations for fear of them turning out the same as similar situations in the past. Remorseful generally brings my state into a negative one, therefore if Stable were to follow and become dominant after Remorseful, it would usually end up with a lengthy depressive state.

Altruistic: Although altruism in itself is an extremely noble and selfless act, the way my mind perceives it actually emaciates myself from the need to also look after myself. Altruism is what leads me to want to help people, regardless of whether I should or not, regardless of who they are or what they mean to me. More often that not, Altruism will deprive me of the times where I myself need help, therefore leaving my problems unsolved and left open like burning wounds in a glorious sun.

Ignorant: This is the part that leads me to believe I am always right. It disregards all other morals, ideas, thoughts, emotions, beliefs and just scrunches them up tightly for me to spit back at you. When this is dominant I turn into a nasty person. However what I usually do is keep myself away from people so as not to disturb or hurt them. Sometimes however, Ignorant leads me to actually go against my usual morals and become someone else entirely.

Malignant: Malignant leads me to hurt people. However when this one is dominant, I still realise what I'm doing and wish that I'd stop, but for some reason, I can't. Whether it be physical or emotional, I cause harm to people, including myself. Luckily (if that's the right word) this only lasts in short bursts so, I'm able to reverse the effects as quickly as possible. When Malignant has control, I feel like a trapped soul in a war machine. Its a disgusting feeling.

Now all five of these lend a hand to my total personality. Of which there are multiple permutations. Obviously I cannot even begin to list these as its far too complicated and it would be unnecessary to do that. So I'll move on to how I process things.

Nothing gets past my eyes or ears without an immense amount of scrutiny and distortion. I don't mean to say that I'll see or hear something and then interpret it in some stupid way such as seeing a dog and thinking, "Oh look at the kitty!" No. I mean that my mind likes to play with reality and try to turn it into something that it believes is "more acceptable" for me to experience. Numerous times I might even hear or see things that haven't even happened. Due to this, I have visions of future events. And yes, they do come true.

I don't want to say anymore about this because the thought process of typing out this post is actually killing me as it has taken just over two days to finish. If you've got anymore questions then ask but then again, if you're going to ask them, don't be surprised if you leave with less answers than you do questions.

Thursday, 3 December 2009

Nine random things about me.

1. I eat my food categorically. I start with vegetables, then move onto starchy foods such as potato or pasta. Then I eat the meat. There are exceptions. For example, Corn on the cob is always eaten last, as are Yorkshire puddings. Also if the food is all mixed together like Paella, then I just eat all of it.

2. The last time I really smiled was this morning on the bus. I got a text that made me feel warm.

3. My baseball team is the New York Mets. Shea Stadium is legendary.

4. I've never felt proud of myself. I haven't had a good enough reason to be proud of myself.

5. I don't think there's a greater feeling than feeling someone else's cold cheek pressed against your own and you can feel the heat being shared.

6. I have a scar on my forehead. I don't remember how I got it but its been there for years. And no, its not shaped like a lightning bolt.

7. Self-harm is ever so tragic but, exceptionally effective. I do not recommend you try it because it is extremely addictive. You might think I'm insane for thinking this, but, I already know I am.

8. When I'm upset I hook my finger through my left earlobe and stroke my ear lobe with my thumb. Its my comfort mechanism.

9. I could stare into your eyes forever. They're impossibly beautiful and I wish I could stay up with you for hours just to get to look at them for even longer.

He's really sexy now.

Wow :)