Well I'm not gonna force you to read my blog, but if you should happen to stumble upon it, take the time to sift through it as it may prove to be of some relevance to you. God forbid, you may actually enjoy it and you would wish to click the button which would mean you were eternally my follower. There isn't really any sort of meaning or specific task that this blog sets out to fulfil, think of it as bohemian.

Sunday, 6 December 2009

This is me.

Before I go on, let me just say that I don't expect any of you to understand this post, I myself don't understand some of it myself but, I think its about time I wrote this down because maybe, just maybe it will give me a better idea about what I am.

Here goes.

There are five sub-personalities that I have. If I had to give them names, then the closest I would get would be to call them; Stable, Remorseful, Altruistic, Ignorant and Malignant. Each of these then lends a hand to building my complete, split personality. However at times, the contributions are not always proportional, thus leading to further permutations of multiple personalities. During intense, emotional times, one of these personalities actually completely dominates and leaves me feeling extremely fatigued just from all the thoughts in my head that it forces me to listen to.

I'll try to describe each of these sub-personalities.

Stable: Despite the name, this is not a completely happy, jolly side of me. It is just where I am emotionally stable and will not change my emotional state during the time that it is most dominant. So for example, if I were in a happy state and if Stable was dominant, then my state would stay happy. The same applies for negative states, etc. Stable leads me to think down a specific route and also it lends a hand to my persistence and ability to argue for causes which I may be wrong about.

Remorseful: With this sub-personality, I become extremely retrospective and look back on events that happened years ago. The only reason this happens is so I can blame myself for everything as when this is dominant, I believe that nothing else is the cause apart from me. That may sound like I'm thinking too much of myself, but, more often than not, it causes me to belittle and attempt to crush my spirit. Many times when Remorseful has been dominant, I've failed to act upon certain situations for fear of them turning out the same as similar situations in the past. Remorseful generally brings my state into a negative one, therefore if Stable were to follow and become dominant after Remorseful, it would usually end up with a lengthy depressive state.

Altruistic: Although altruism in itself is an extremely noble and selfless act, the way my mind perceives it actually emaciates myself from the need to also look after myself. Altruism is what leads me to want to help people, regardless of whether I should or not, regardless of who they are or what they mean to me. More often that not, Altruism will deprive me of the times where I myself need help, therefore leaving my problems unsolved and left open like burning wounds in a glorious sun.

Ignorant: This is the part that leads me to believe I am always right. It disregards all other morals, ideas, thoughts, emotions, beliefs and just scrunches them up tightly for me to spit back at you. When this is dominant I turn into a nasty person. However what I usually do is keep myself away from people so as not to disturb or hurt them. Sometimes however, Ignorant leads me to actually go against my usual morals and become someone else entirely.

Malignant: Malignant leads me to hurt people. However when this one is dominant, I still realise what I'm doing and wish that I'd stop, but for some reason, I can't. Whether it be physical or emotional, I cause harm to people, including myself. Luckily (if that's the right word) this only lasts in short bursts so, I'm able to reverse the effects as quickly as possible. When Malignant has control, I feel like a trapped soul in a war machine. Its a disgusting feeling.

Now all five of these lend a hand to my total personality. Of which there are multiple permutations. Obviously I cannot even begin to list these as its far too complicated and it would be unnecessary to do that. So I'll move on to how I process things.

Nothing gets past my eyes or ears without an immense amount of scrutiny and distortion. I don't mean to say that I'll see or hear something and then interpret it in some stupid way such as seeing a dog and thinking, "Oh look at the kitty!" No. I mean that my mind likes to play with reality and try to turn it into something that it believes is "more acceptable" for me to experience. Numerous times I might even hear or see things that haven't even happened. Due to this, I have visions of future events. And yes, they do come true.

I don't want to say anymore about this because the thought process of typing out this post is actually killing me as it has taken just over two days to finish. If you've got anymore questions then ask but then again, if you're going to ask them, don't be surprised if you leave with less answers than you do questions.


  1. Well well I see
    But let me remind you of a time when I proved you - wrong! [=
    I think the most I've seen of you is your altuistic side, or so you call it
    ..interesting read I have to say Hen
    It's good to see another complex built individual (:

  2. That's not the point though...

    Don't worry about it.

    And its not always a good thing to have someone built up so complicated. I'd rather be much more simple if I had the chance. Alas, that wish would never see the light even if it were wished.