Well I'm not gonna force you to read my blog, but if you should happen to stumble upon it, take the time to sift through it as it may prove to be of some relevance to you. God forbid, you may actually enjoy it and you would wish to click the button which would mean you were eternally my follower. There isn't really any sort of meaning or specific task that this blog sets out to fulfil, think of it as bohemian.

Monday, 30 November 2009

A stab at the heart of creativity.

The seizure of creativity lends a hand to the destruction of freedom and all beauty contained within them respectively. Even with this creativity however, there is no room for eloquent appliance of it in an environment that alienates you from your own personal body of comfort. When you are forced to attempt to deviate from your psyche, the most unique and individual part of the human, you can no longer use creativity as it has merely turned you into an extension of someone else's creativity. You become them. Someone who you are prepared to throw away every minute of your life to become. To copy. Just to make yet another clone of the mastermind that wishes to have total pleasure in knowing that they are the source of originality that is ruining more and more of the prospective masterpieces. We will occupy a world that is so parasitic that the host itself would surely rather end its life than let it be leached upon. Do that while you can still retain the last shard of your individuality. Because once you are done with it, the next person is only going to throw it onto the pile for rehabilitating into the perfect example of freedom-devoid constriction. What a wonderful world. Wouldn't it be so much easier if I just gave it all up, donned my issued uniform and never tried to think again. I don't think I'd like to find out.

I had such an awful day today but I just forgot it all in those few moments that I felt true comfort and equilibrium whilst in her presence.

Saturday, 28 November 2009

Paranormal Activity.

Now then. If, like me, you enjoy a good comedy film, then I think you should give Paranormal Activity a go. Ok, so the tagline "The scariest film this decade" doesn't exactly make you think, "Wow, this will be hilarious!" but in all honesty, it was one of the funniest horror movies I've ever seen.

I don't ever find horror films scary. They're some of the funniest films you can watch, so just think how many laughs Paranormal Activity is chocced full of! It follows the story of Micah and Katie, a couple of four years who have been haunted by a presence in their house for quite some time now. They enlist the help of a paranormalist who unfortunately believes that he can not help them. The couple decide to video tape their lives so that they have evidence of what they're dealing with.

All in all, it is an amazing film, and the true rawness of the video footage lends a hand to what I can expect they were trying to convey as "scary", but I just found the entire ordeal amusing. No effects, no double-takes, no script. This film is one-hundred percent raw, live, real action footage. One of my favourite parts of the film is where Katie (who is believe to be haunted by a Demon since the age of eight) is dragged by her foot out of her bed and into the next room kicking and screaming, where she is bitten. Its comedy gold. The door is slammed shut and so Micah almost runs straight into it haha!

If you aren't a pussy and enjoy a good laugh, then go see Paranormal Activity. If you are a pussy and want to shit your pants, then go see Paranormal Activity. If you're weird and like plots that revolve around true events where people die, then go see Paranormal Activity. If you like seeing ghostly white figures with no real talent for acting, then go see New Moon. Faggots.

Thursday, 26 November 2009

I wish I could feel happy for longer than three days at a time.

I feel inadequate. Worried. Angry. Deprived.

The worst thing is I feel as if I'm a terrible person for feeling like this because there are people worse off than me. I wish that everything could be made clear to me what I have to do so that i could spend less time worrying about that and more time actually doing it.

With every morsel of happiness I get, there's a great big side serving of grief to make it slide down the proverbial gullet even quicker. Sometimes I wish that instead I could just choke on it and get it over with so that I wouldn't have to go over that process again.

I feel like I get let down a lot. But I'm so very paranoid of that being repeated that I completely forget about it the instance that I feel like I'm going nowhere with anything else. Its probably why I'm too forgiving. Sometimes I just know I shouldn't forgive someone or even let someone into my life but, I'm so worried that they might be the last person I'd ever know that I just can't do that.

I'm too afraid of these things.

But I'm also too brave to take into consideration the effect it might have on my psyche. I think that there's no point, just go, do it, forget about yourself. Thus leading onto my altruism.

I think one day I will write out the inner workings of my mind. It'd have to be very basic of course as the full picture is far too complex to convey in simple pixels.

But maybe if you ask politely, I might just tell you all of that story.
I wish I was a better singer. I wish I was a better song-writer. I wish I was a better person.

I don't think there's much I can do about the first one. I can work on the second one I guess. The third one is my main priority though.

Lets give it a shot.

I got my new Vans today. Oh my god they're ridiculously buff. Vans have established themselves as the best shoe company in the world. Every time I buy them I fall more and more in love with their shoes.

Gonna show them off tomorrow haha ;D

Tuesday, 24 November 2009

And I really have to get out of here.
But I guess I wouldn't mind getting out half-alive.
That's how I first arrived.
Kicking and screaming along to my own silent tune.
But now the crowds will be singing it too.
"Where the hell would we be without what makes us cold?"

Climbing this mountain might not be worth it.
Are you even waiting at the summit?
Claiming this right to share what life is,
Isn't that what we think is worth fighting for?
I'm but the messenger.

I was bored on the bus and so scrawled these in my notepad.

And I never thought it would come to this,
What makes my world spin so quickly that,
Every second is lost to cruel darkness.

Even if I could save the day,
Wouldn't you wish for someone else to save you anyway?

Clearly I can see nothing past these letters,
That echo in my mind.
Haunting me, I thought I'd never let them,
Leave me cold, wet and blind.

And I never thought it would end like this,
The world has spun its woeful yarn and,
I can't keep up with it.

And you know, you know,
We need release.

I don't really like them that much =/

Sunday, 22 November 2009

Can't wait for Monday.

Well then again...

I'm so torn between the weekend and college.

On the one hand, I get to just relax and do what I want. On the other, I get to see my friends and actually end up doing SOMETHING.

I wish Sunday's could end up being merged with Saturday and make one big nice day where people go out instead of wasting their time with homework and crap like that. Doesn't help that the weather today is even worse than how it was yesterday.

I miss seeing people every week.

Saturday, 21 November 2009

Just as I expected.

Today was terrible.

The usual weekend with the usual amount of tears and the usual plan.

I walked to Ealing Broadway, took a bus to Richmond just because I saw the bus. Then walked to Kingston once I was done in Richmond. After that I walked halfway to Hampton before walking back to Kingston and taking a bus to Ealing again. I then walked from Ealing to Northfields, walked to the other end of my road and took a bus to Brentford. Then I just curled up in a ball on a bench for about half an hour. Decided to take a bus again back to Northfields and so I walked home because at that point I hadn't eaten for over 24 hours. The odd burst of tears was scattered here and there.

At least one thing productive came out of this. I suppose.


I've noticed that my weekends have been so drab lately and I have actually ended up resorting to just doing nothing at all.

That or I go out, by myself, and just wander around the lonely streets.

Kinda sad really =/

Thursday, 19 November 2009

That's more like it :)

I love sitting on the bus and just smiling whilst listening to the cutest songs in the world. Makes me feel so warm and full of happiness. Something I've not felt like for a long time.

Mm :) (L)

Wednesday, 18 November 2009

The immensely conflicting nature of my mind is kind of getting me all in a mess. It doesn't help that there's just outside noise trying to distort what I already know. There's no point in just trying to tell someone what to do if they already plan on doing it. And don't try to tell me something like, "We're just trying to help."

I find it hard enough sometimes to do things that I mean to without people just adding to what my mind has to cope with. There are just so many voices I hear in my head and they all conflict with each other. I really wish I could reverse the damage done to my mental health but there isn't any hope of that right now.

I'm sorry. I'm doing the best I can.

You're not going to get any better.

You should try doing something different.

Why don't you just do it?

Why don't all these voices just shut up?
Errrrrrgh STOP!

For god's sake I don't want a repeat of last time =[ I've cried too much this week already.

Tuesday, 17 November 2009

What makes a man?

How one single action can instil so many feelings is just beyond belief but, I guess once you just experience it, you kind of figure that its just one of those amazing things in life that can never be explained.

I couldn't concentrate when I was learning the binomial theorum. I couldn't concentrate on creating an eight-note ground. I couldn't concentrate when I was revising complex trigonometry. But I couldn't care less :)

Its these little boosts in life that make it worth carrying on. I've had a lack of them lately but I think things are looking up now.

What makes a man?

I think I might know :)

Monday, 16 November 2009

I thought I knew what I was doing until today. Everything just collided and merged into one drastically beautiful picture in front of me. I left mechanics in tears because I just couldn't bear the day any longer.

When you're crying, the world looks slightly different. The world gets distorted through the tears that cling to the surface of your eyes and that precariously stick to the ends of your eyelashes. It almost looks as you want it to be for that tiny moment before it all gets flooded and you can't see anything at all.

I thought I knew what I was doing, but now I know nothing at all. Its just, too beautiful to even fathom trying to disregard and trample it as if it never existed. Its too inspiring to leave and not cite as one of your sources of creativity. Its too emotional to let escape from your heart.

I just wish I had something I could cling to, something I could hold and never let go. Right now I feel like I'm dangling over the cliff face that won't even lend me the edge to grab hold of.

Sunday, 15 November 2009



This is promising?

A blog post concerning Danielle Flora Outen-Gejon.

And today, the fifteenth of November, 2009, marks the 17th birthday of a friend of mine who me and her have grown to become, "Gal Pals For Lyfeeee". And its true :) We're going to be friends for a very, very long time because I want to be friends with her for a very, very long time. She's sweet and caring and she hardly ever agrees with me but its in a good way. Makes for playful banter and interesting conversation. The kind I can't seem to find from any other person.

Her boyfriend is a very lucky man. She's a very special girl and you don't come across many people who are that talented, that clever, that funny and that loving in life. This time last year, I could have possibly came within touching distance of her at the Altamont Never Say Die! Club Tour 2008, but I didn't even know who she was until December of that year.

So, Happy seventeenth Birthday Danielle :) yesterday was fun and I hope today goes even better. Love you lots xxxx

Saturday, 14 November 2009

I don't like to cry.

I can't.

I can't be bothered sometimes to pick up the phone.

I can't be bothered to change the channel if I'm watching a repeat.

I can't see why people would lie to one another.

I can't stand having to explain to people why I'm not cold.

I can't find a reason to explain why I choose to believe what I want instead of what everyone else in the world wants to collectively believe in.

I can't quit smoking.

I can't sing.

I can't lose weight.

I can't find a single thing about myself that I wouldn't want to change.

I can't drink anything carbonated unless its alcohol or I'm dying of thirst.

I can't listen to certain songs without crying.

I can't be affected by the sight of blood, regardless of what the situation is.

I can't believe I haven't died yet.

I can't smile if I'm sad.

I can't stand when people ask you to smile when you're sad.

I can't live with my family for much longer.

I can't do anything if I have creative block, even things not related to my creative field.

I can't let things go unsaid from now on. There's just too many opportunities that are being missed.

I can't ever consider my dad a father.

I can't get over things that happened years ago.

I can't tell people how much they mean to me.

I can't sleep sometimes because I'm worried that I'll have another chain of dreams that would affect me as badly as the last time.

I can't help look at some people and have to turn away because they remind of things they aren't even related to.

I can't understand why I have to have such a terrible, dark mind.

I can't deal with visions sometimes.

I can't wish for something if I know I don't deserve it.

I can't stand on wet leaves without thinking about how many people they must have hurt.

I can't write songs.

I can't ever forget you.

I can't pass a day without wishing that it was different in so, so many ways.

I can't get on a bus without getting off in a bad mood.

I can't sleep at night with people in my thoughts.

I can't wait until the next day I can hold someone's hand.

I can't think about whether or not it was my fault or not. I always blame myself so there's no need to think about it.

I can't bear seeing people shiver.

I can't drink alcohol unless I'm alone or with someone I love.

I can't believe the things I've done.

I can't see where it all went wrong.

I can't forgive my parents for blaming me and my music for everything that seems to go wrong for them.

I can't stop.

What do you do when you are stuck in the middle of the street. Both ends are exactly the same, but you're not even sure if you could make the journey to either of them.

Do you stand still?

Or do you choose an end?

Friday, 13 November 2009

There's only so long you can wish for before you think, "I guess this star just doesn't want to shine for me."

Thursday, 12 November 2009

You feel as if you've got so much to do. But when you break it down, it turns out you may as well do nothing at all.

When you stand still time doesn't move for you, but it moves for everyone else. You can't let yourself get beaten by time, you have to always be ahead otherwise it'll trip you up.

But how can you keep ahead of time? You don't, you gotta make sure time is behind you.

You gotta keep your past behind you. The past is time, its just another time. Keep it behind you and it can't interfere with your present or your future.

It sounds so simple but, hardly anyone can actually do this successful. Those that can are some of the happiest people on the planet.

I'm not one of those people.

I won't ever be.

Sad but true.

I'm sorry.

Do I even have a family?

Fucking hell.

Wednesday, 11 November 2009

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

Tomorrow is a worrying day...

Monday, 9 November 2009

Music is sucking the life out of me.

I've made 5 compositions now in the space of 3 weeks.

I also have to learn Bohemian Rhapsody for the college staff choir to perform at the Christmas concert.

I have practically no lunch times for the next 3 weeks because of choir practices.

I feel like I don't have creative freedom.

I need more time for me T.T

I'm thinking of scrapping Heretics and Killers - Protest The Hero and swapping it for We're All Alone - Architects.

Sunday, 8 November 2009

Close his eyes; his work is done!
What to him is friend or foeman,
Rise of moon, or set of sun,
Hand of man, or kiss of woman?
Lay him low, lay him low,
In the clover or the snow!
What cares he? he can not know:
Lay him low!

As man may, he fought his fight,
Proved his truth by his endeavor;
Let him sleep in solemn night,
Sleep forever and forever.
Lay him low, lay him low,
In the clover or the snow!
What cares he? he can not know:
Lay him low!

Fold him in his country's stars,
Roll the drum and fire the volley!
What to him are all our wars,
What but death bemocking folly?
Lay him low, lay him low,
In the clover or the snow!
What cares he? he can not know:
Lay him low!

Leave him to God's watching eye,
Trust him to the hand that made him.
Mortal love weeps idly by:
God alone has power to aid him,
Lay him low, lay him low,
In the clover or the snow!
What cares he? he can not know:
Lay him low!

I will do this poem justice in musical writing.
I don't think I've ever wanted something so badly in my entire life. They say if you put your mind to something you can always achieve it. But doesn't that mean all you're achieving is the thought of it, not the physical form. You can't live off of spirit, you have to live in accordance with spirit.

I'm running on spirit at the moment, and it doesn't last that long.

Saturday, 7 November 2009


I have visions.

Visions that come true.

Its nice to know I can see future events.

But its scary to hold that responsibility.

Just think of that how I have the choice of telling someone whether I see something about them or not. It could be something terribly important to them, but also it could be importantly terrible. Would you tell them that this thing would happen to them?

I tried to stop having visions but, its not so easy. The last main one I had was in March. I predicted it'd happen in this month of November.

So its November, and by the looks of it, its coming true.

I've had a new vision. For April.

Its a scary one. I hope it doesn't come true. If it does then I don't think I'll ever be the same knowing that I have seen such a thing.

I promised myself that this one would be the last, but I guess I was wrong. Its something beyond my control.


And so we enter stage one.

Becoming distraught.

This will be fun.

Don't expect me to be good to talk to or fun to be around or anything for a while. Its not going to happen.

Friday, 6 November 2009


I feel sorry for the people that are going to the next few gigs I'm attending.

They're not gonna go home feeling so great.

Thursday, 5 November 2009

Read this if you care. But its a wacky trip.

I don't want my feelings to get the better of me.
But I want to be better for you.
What's the point of feeling if you don't even get the chance to follow.
I could wander aimlessly across the streets but always know where I'm going.
Just because of what's inside.
Its what's inside that lets you understand what's outside.
But without the outside to understand.
You've got no reason to even have an inside.
If I could understand the outside then I'd have reason.
I've had reason, and I've had understanding.
But I've not had the two in conjunction.
I'd very much like that one day.
This may seem like a pointless blog post.
It may as well be.
But I'm not exactly sure what is going on in my mind at the moment.
And this seems to be the best way to get it all out.
I regret nothing but I look back and mourn on the past.
My past is nothing to be proud of.
Neither will my future be.
I often don't see a point in waiting on this train to get off at the next stop.
I often think it'd be much easier to just jump into the next carriage.
And join the beautiful girl in red.
Our trains don't have the same destination.
I don't want to have to make the effort to intend to do something.
And then never do that.
I've got feelings.
I've had them before.
But they hadn't been noticed.
That's what makes things harder than they need to be.
Its not like I tried not to notice them.
Its just that they didn't make themselves clear enough to me.
Or maybe it was that I wasn't making myself clear enough to them.
I don't think I'm fair to myself most of the time.
I think I should give myself a break.
But I also think that if I did, I'd lose what I am.
I try to be myself, that's the only person I've ever been good at being.
You can't change me.
I can try to change myself.
Its not easy.
I suppose it's doable though.
If you've ever felt like you've had to change just to achieve something.
Just so you could know how it felt.
Then you've got nothing to hold onto anymore.
Its never worth it.
That's what some people say.
I don't believe them.
Its always worth it.
But the method isn't always.
Travel is a means to an end as they say.
Too bad I feel like I'm just running in circles.
In my mind.
I don't mind.
But I do care.
And its these amalgamated emotions that lead me to my slow and painful breakdown.
I expect I'll hit another depressive state within the next week.
It'll be a bad one too.
I really bad one.
I don't think I'll get out of it so easily.
I will get out of it.
I always do.
But its not exactly the nicest walk through a summery park.
There are people that I love in life.
And they are what keeps me going.
They keep me waiting for the nice walk through a summery park.
I can dream of that day.
Its always changing.
But it gets better and better.
Too bad that's in my head.
I won't let my feelings get the better of me.
But I still want you.

I'm going to save my money to buy a banjo and learn how to play it.

Hear me out here.

Ok, I love going to gigs. Can't get enough of it. Its brilliant. Good music, go with your mates, have a laugh maybe have some drinks. Brilliant.

But I am fucking sick to death of all these complete fucktards who come to gigs to deliberately ruin other people's night.

The twats who try to trip people or punch people running in the circle pits.

The cunts who push small people who OBVIOUSLY do not want to go into the pits into the middle of them.

The shiteaters who deliberately aim punches for people's faces.

The wankers that steal crowdsurfer's shoes and throw them into the crowd.

The dickheads that try to stop you from moshing because they're too "claustrophobic".

The pussies that stand at the edge of the mosh pit and just send out kicks to anyone who comes within a metre radius of them.

The assholes who don't try to help you stand up when you've fallen, but instead push more people on top of you.

Fuck all of you.

Now I realise that the type of gigs I normally go to require a high level of physical exertion. And, if like me, you're going to pit, you're going to get hurt. But there is no reason whatsoever for all these stupid pieces of shit coming along and making it any harder for you.

Yesterday I went to a gig. Excellent gig, lots of good bands there and the atmosphere was generally good. But, as expected there were the usual crowd of assbandits who think its a right laugh to try and get you seriously hurt.

I was hurt pretty badly. But more than I expected I would.

So I'd like to say, thank you to;

The jerkwad who deliberately punched me in the guts during the circle pit for Architects. I hope you enjoyed your face full of rubber when you got knocked the crap down. You deserved it.

The scum that stomped on my chest when I was on the floor when he KNEW I was there and didn't even try to help me. I'm sure you shit your pants when I tossed you into it and you didn't hit the ground running.

And finally, the douchebag who thought it'd be hilarious to deal about ten blows to my back when I was standing STILL at the front barrier. Thanks a lot.

Fucking assholes.

On the other hand. Thank you to Architects, Despised Icon, As Blood Runs Black and Oceano for some good music.

Monday, 2 November 2009

More lyrics.

I'd spend a million years alone,
Just so long as I could feel.
I'd walk a hundred million miles,
And go without a single meal.
I'd give all my things away,
Just to hear you say,
I love you.

I'd scale the tallest summit,
Just to show you the horizon.
Then I'd camp there through the night,
To find our shooting star to wish upon.
Forget tomorrow 'cos today,
I just need to hear you say,
I love you.

And just imagine what it'd take to break us up when,
Nothing powerful enough could ever bring us together.
You'd always smile and I would always dream,
But just for that smile, I'll dream on forever.

That's all I got.

Sunday, 1 November 2009

Depending on my mood tomorrow, I might end up doing something stupid.

Today's blog post is sponsored by the emotional response towards affection.
Hancock is such a sad film :'(

Will Smith is such an emotional actor during death scenes.

I want reason.

Even if the skies are grey.

Will her feelings come what may?

A smile can go a long, long way.

They're both so beautiful.