I'm staring across the sea,
Of my own success and failure.
Seems like if I tried to drown,
I'd wash up on the beach.

You gotta be kidding me,
As if you hadn't noticed.
Don't give me that.

Turns out this beach,
Was really the desert.
I reach out to these countless mirages.
Still thinking they can be touched.

You think forty days and nights was tough?
Try walking that all your life.
I've lost my destination.
But I never had a beginning.

Well, here it is.

"Hi yes thats great sorry haven been able to call you as we are quite busy today. the only worry i have is the health and safety stuff as your are under 18. i think we cud def arrange sumthin part time and mayb more in vacation. I wil get an email together :)"

"Ok good to hear from you :) if it made it any better i could arrange to take a course and get a certificate for first aid and blood borne pathogens. Speak to you soon :)"

"I was kind of thinkin startin with some reception work to train you about the studio consent forms etc. sterilisation before moving on to actual piercing. we would need to train you to do the stuff you haven done also. if that sounds ok."

"Yeah that sounds cool. How long would that process take roughly?"

"That kind of depends on how fast you learn. usually we teach people from scratch but you already have some experience which is good. the only issue i have is your age as i would need to find out how health and safety law would be as you are under 18."

"I usually find i'm a quick learner and it doesn't take much to give me the push but we'll see how that goes. Yeah i understand, i hope it isn't a problem haha that would suck."

"Yeah to be honest the rules can be different for minors so i need to check them out."

"I had a little look at the legislation regarding under 18s and seems to be its fine so long as a risk assessment has been made with regards to the employee. That would sound fine to me i'm not sure if that'd be a problem i mean, I've had jobs as a steward before and had risk assessments run and everything passed just fine."

"Yeah i have no experience of under 18s or risk assesment as i only normally interview 18 plus due 2 nature of the business"

"Yeah i can understand. Umm, so where would we go from here?"

"Well i just have to look into it more"

"Ok then. Well thanks for getting back to me when you're busy and I'll hopefully hear from you soon :)"



I don't know if that's good or bad =/

My phone.

Has beeped 37 times today.

AND STILL NOTHING. I'M SO TENSE UGHHHHHH!!!!!!!

I'm waiting on the phone call.

That could change my life.



And yes, I'm shittin' my pants.

Wow.

So, I've been offered an apprenticeship in a piercing parlour. I mean, wow. That came out of nowhere. I contacted the owner back in August and he e-mails me back last night asking if I'm still interested.

I'm so, like, I don't even know!

Plus, my belts are too big for me :)

Maybe things are looking up?

Could it be any more perfect?

I can't even look at my guitar.

This fucking SUCKS.

So now its time for the hard part.

And I'm gonna need you. All of you. But I can do this, I know I can :)




I really do, love my friends.

Easy away the problems and the pain.
The girl chose the guy that makes you wanna kick and scream.
All along, you wish that she would stay.
Fuck the guy who took her and ran away.

I wanted to prove myself wrong.

I wanted to try and get out of this system of seeing the vision, thinking about it, following it, then being upset and crushed by it.

I want to tell myself that this next one will be different, that I won't be a sucker to this one, that I can control my own life. I don't need to live a vision, I can live a reality.


But I know, I'll fall victim to myself just like every other time.

I've never been in it to win it.

It all goes around in the end.

Crushed.

Virtue is lost.


                                         Does it make you feel beautiful?


         This is life.                                                                    This apathy is worthless.



                                                                                                              Fuck.


    And are we so worthless?          
                                                                                We're burning for revenge.
                                                             Dying from the inside.
                        
                                                                                                      My heart I left with my promise to return.

                                  See it in my eyes how much it means.


To a heart that's beat has long since given out and given in.


                              Bury me five thousands fathoms deep.

                      There's blood in the water.
                                                                                 Burn all you love.
             No heart, no hope.
                                                                                                                         Now, taste the fear.
   


                 There is nothing I would not give.


                                               Humanity can sink.


                               Convulsions constrict your body into a portrait of agony.


                                                                                               Crushed.
              

Worst day of college so far.

But, it was a nice walk to Harrow. <3

One of the very first things I posted.

"Bliss you just can't seem to reach."


Its still true. GAH!

Another day, another chance.

And it'll be alright.

Gah.

I guess not.

"Why do we like to hurt so much?"

And it'll all become clearer.

Hopefully.

Got my custom hoodie.

Its so soft and it looks so cool.



On the other hand, I'm so torn up now... You leave me feeling like I know nothing at all. Do you do it on purpose? I can't tell. I wish I knew what to do. There are things I do want to do, but I don't know if I can or should.


Blehhhh.

Mff... I wish you wouldn't =/

You make me feel so terrible and like the most horrible person in the world and I don't really deserve that, even I know it. I know its not the most ideal situation but its not as if I'm not enjoying it either. I want to be able to just be all jolly and comply with what you want (because its what I want too) but it also proves detrimental to what I want to do in addition to that. I'm not doing this because of you, I'm doing it because of me and what I need to change about me.

I can't tell if you're kidding or not but, please, please, stop. I feel bad enough as it is =/

19 days.

Until the announcement for Reading line-up.

I'm so nervous D: