Snow

Well, its been snowing overnight, it wasn't a huge amount but its enough to perhaps warrant not going to college.

I mean, do I really need to go to college for my one math lesson today? Really? I have everything I need at home after all. My books, access to college system, pens, paper...


My Xbox :|

Hmm... Maybe I should go to college....

Skatinggggggg.

So I was just out on the streets for like two hours (instead of hitting college) re-learning to push on a skateboard.

The stupid part is, I'm regular footed on a streetboard (left foot in front) but on a skateboard, I'm goofy footed (right foot in front).

This makes no sense at all and shouldn't really be happening haha.

I do suppose it'll help my switch stance game though on skateboard which is always a big big big bonus. To be any good at skateboarding, you need to get switch stance on lock.

If you don't understand what switch stance is, its basically where you ride opposite to what stance you normally push.

For instance, switch stance for a regular pusher would be goofy and vice versa.

As Rob Dyrdek puts it, doing a trick in switch is like throwing a curve ball with your weak hand, its way harder.

But for me, it shouldn't be a problem ;}

I wrote a new song, and I love it, I'm actually proud of it, like, for real!

It makes me feel like, playing guitar is worth it, and the sounds I can produce make it all feel worthwhile. I'm really pleased with this song, I'll record it soon and post it I promise.

Should I stay or should I go?

Three days until P-Rod's Battle Commander video! Its gonna be amazinggggg.

Is it bad that I actually searched online for Monster Energy in bulk? That drink could actually kill me...

Skate-a-thon.

Been skating soo much lately. Its really good for me and its building muscles on my abdomen like heck.

Still trying to get over the stairsets hurdle but, I'm trying so I know I'll eventually be able to beat them.

Been getting paid lately. I enjoy handling money. It makes me feel slightly more important.

Work is still real fun, I had my first Hepatitis A&B jab yesterday. I was waiting for the nurse to stab me with the needle without realising she had already injected me. I guess I still have no feelings. Next vaccination is in a month and my final one in six months.

My psychology teacher is still a bit concerned about me, she asked one of my friends about me the other day and whether I was planning on staying or leaving. I want to leave, but I don't know how.

Well, that's stupid, I know how, but I don't know umm... I can't explain it. Maybe you already understand?

So two nights ago this group of three guys in their twenties tried to mug me and my fourteen year old friend, Paul. They failed it rawtime.

"Oi, you got a pound?"
"No I left my wallet at home." (I actually did)
"Do you know the time then?"
"Yeah its like 9.15." (I checked before we left the house)
"Check then innit."
"I just told you its 9.15 and that's it"
*starts walking off*
"Oi where you going blad?"
"Stop following us seriously."
"Don't get rude innit, stop rushing bruv I'm talking to you."
"No, just get lost."

etc etc, it ended up with them running away empty handed.

Pussies.

Buying this hat. Yum yum, look at those colours :)

Plus I'll be getting my BATBOX shoes eventually. Greg Custer, an amazing man who works at The Berrics Canteen, has spoken to Steve Berra (the owner of The Berrics Skatepark) about selling me some of the final pairs of BATBOX shoes which were unable to be shipped to Berrics Unified Skateshops in America due to an accident at the warehouse.

Still its pretty great of them, it'll mean I'll probably (probably!) be the only guy in London, maybe even England, maybe even the UK, maybe even Europe (maybe!) to own these shoes.

Yay :)

Been skating to this song lately. Its so jammy and upbeat and its just, well, its a really good mix.

Enjoy.

I'm so depressed that it's not even funny. I don't think there is a feeling more dangerous than depression. There aren't many feelings that can lead to so many consequences as much as depression.

After much deliberation.

I've decided to open a Twitter account, just to give it a try. Also I just like the idea of staying connected to my idols. I can't really do that with Facebook so, Twitter gets the 1-up in that respect.

If ya wanna Twitter me then hit me up @ArrigoVerde.

Psyched for work tomorrow, not psyched for college the following day.

Numerous things need paying for right now, but my personal wishlist is as follows;

Yeah its a lot, but my wardrobe is drying up a bit.

Watching Street League finals is super inspiring, take Nyjah Huston for example, he's 15 and he won the first Street League contest, placed 3rd in the 2nd and 3rd and became the overall champion of the season. Incredible.

Ouch man.

Attempted a Regular FS 360.

That slam hurt haha. I keep falling on the same arm so it's getting nailed pretty bad. Ah well, it's all part of practice and learning. One thing I am happy about is;

a) I aired the manhole today (sounds lame but, for me, great success)
b) I'm pretty fast at pushing in Regular. Now all I gotta work out is how the fuck switch works :D

So today at college my psychology teacher realised I'm pretty miserable and asked me why I am and why I'm not working and what is going on in my life. I just told her the truth. I'm not working because I have no motivation to do so and I also don't have any time to work because I'm spending every night trying to have fun and feel good because I feel miserable. I feel miserable because I'm going to college without actually knowing why or actually feeling like I belong and every time I wake up in the morning to go to college I instantly start in a bad mood and feel immensely depressed. It's a horrible way to live right now and I really want to leave.

My teacher agreed that probably the best thing for me to do is to leave college because she can't stand to see me so miserable and, even though she says she wants me to stay and learn, she feels like she's killing me with her classes.

It's kinda true but it's not her fault.

I love my psychology teacher, she's so lovely and kind to me.. She always notices when something is wrong.

So I guess all I need to find out now is whether I can work at The House of Living Art full-time or not. If I can then.. I'm gonna be a college dropout.

Enjoi.

Trickbook addition.

Landed 3 or 4 BS 180's plus a couple more Switch FS 180's. Pretty pleased :)

Bailed a few times though. But I didn't let it hurt my confidence and I kept on rolling. I really need to learn how to push switch stance though or it's really gonna kill my 180/540 game.

Hurt my left bollock but I don't know how :/

I might go talk to Paul Higginson tomorrow :/ I'm seriously considering dropping out. I just can't cope with being at college.. I need to do things to make me happy and college is just sending me further and further into a dangerous depression and I seriously cannot deal with that crap. I've got a great job and I'm doing my best to be happy and do fun things to keep happy. So it really bums me out when 4 days of college can just kill all of that, y'know?

We'll see.

Peace.

Remember me?

Not gonna go into detail of why I haven't bothered to post since the world cup.

Nor can I be bothered to go into detail of what has happened since the world cup.

Lets just say blink-182 were beyond perfect and leave it at that.

As I'm typing this I just burnt my tongue on a cup of coffee, I hate doing that because it ruins the flavor of the rest of the drink.

So yesterday I was trying out the new streetboard I bought, its a Highland Cartel 56 fitted with Dimension SoftCore bindings for the immense minority of people who care. As its an extremely heavy board, its pretty difficult to push it around and also to leave the floor. Nevertheless I stuck a few Regular/Switch FS 180's which satisfied me for the night.

This morning I logged onto The Berrics and finally (yes, finally!) they put up the championship battle between Paul Rodriguez and PJ Ladd. It was pretty intense and for over half the battle I was wondering why P-Rod wasn't performing well, but then PJ made the mistake that cost him the game and Paul eventually finished him off with a crispy-ass Ollie Late Kickflip. I was pretty happy with this as I wanted PJ to lose big time, wasn't the spectacular annihilation I had hoped for but P-Rod definitely earned that trophy.

I got myself a job at a tattoo parlour. Overly happy about that because every Thursday is like, the best day of my week now. Totally blows college out of the water. Working people don't get how lucky they have it, college is for the real suckers man.

But that job will really help me build funds for the LA trip next summer that me and my homie Paul are going on. We're gonna hit LA for two weeks at the end of July to see X Games 17 and also explore the city of Los Angeles. Maybe we'll get lucky and be let into the Fantasy Factory or even The Berrics (maybe?). That'd be a dream come true.

Heck I'd even be more than happy just to shake hands with these two men;

Eric Koston

Rob Dyrdek

Now that really would be cool.

But first thing's first I gotta make like $3000 to get there in the first place.

Ouch.

Campeones del mundo!

GANAMOS <3

Finally :) well deserved win. Disgusting play from the Netherlands, appalling refereeing from Howard Webb. But a Spanish victory. La Furia Rojo gets its well deserved star. I know its not gonna be the last ;)

When I get older, I will be stronger.

They'll call me freedom, just like a wavin' flag.

Yeah its been a long, long, long, (long) time since my last post. Erm, I dunno, I haven't exactly felt the urge to write, nor have I really known what to say.

How about a little overview then?

Well, world cup fever has been running for a couple of weeks now, unfortunately last night my beloved USA team were knocked out by Ghana :( never mind! My Brazilians are gonna bring it home this year I know it :D bring on victory number six <3

Plus the world cup anthem is so awesome this year :D you must've heard its been plastered everywhere but, in case you haven't, its called Wavin' Flag by K'Naan. You can't help but smile and sway when you listen to it :)

As for college well, exams are done and dusted and I couldn't care less how they went so lets not talk about that :D

Reading is imminent, I'm crazy excited for it :) plus I've discovered so many cool bands I'd never listened to before already so, its already been a success haha.

And love is awfully confusing at the moment. I have such lovely days and then I tear my heart to pieces as soon as I leave. I need to stop that but its not helped by the situation at the moment.

It'll get better :) I just hope its soon.



I WANT MY WRIST PIERCED :D

Awh :3

Some sad git has taken the liberty of clicking on every single "go die" reaction on my posts. Awh, isn't that sweet :)



Get a lifeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

My babies.

<3

Snakebitesssssss.

So I got my snakebites yesterday after months of waiting. I'm so happy with them they look so cool :D

They have swollen a bit and also there is some major bruising going on inside my lip, it'll clear up but its a bit annoying.

I'll post a picture later today :)

Two exams done so far, here are my potential marks and predicted marks as I see appropriate...

Mechanics:
Potential: 80%
Predicted: 55%

Music:
Potential: 100%
Predicted 75%

I've got four exams left, but really, I don't have the energy, nor the care for them.

I really hope Tempa T is at Reading :D

This is why...

Reading 2010

Its so fucking kick-ass this year. Definitely made the right choice of festival, was well worth the risk :)

Compared with the 10 bands at Sonisphere I want to see and the 20 bands at Download I want to see, Reading comes out on top with 25 awesome bands that I'll hopefully catch (if the clashes aren't too mean to me).

For anyone on Spotify who wants to have a listen to a selection of 5 songs from each band playing at Reading; click here for quite a brilliant playlist (if I do say so) that I fixed up yesterday :)

Definite recommendations that you might not have heard of:

Gogol Bordello (Gypsy Punk; for fans of Flogging Molly, Sonic Boom Six, Dead Kennedy's)
Frank Turner (Folk Rock; for fans of Newton Faulkner, Jose Gonzalez, Jamie T)
Thrice (Prog/Hardcore; for fans of Alexisonfire, Protest The Hero, Funeral For A Friend)
Streetlight Manifesto (Ska/Punk; for fans of Madness, Sonic Boom Six, Reel Big Fish)
Crazy Arm (Folk Punk; for fans of Flogging Molly, NOFX, Sum 41)
The King Blues (Acoustic Rock; for fans of The Maccabees, The Gaslight Anthem, You Me At Six)

But I'm sure you'd find loads of hidden gems in that playlist :)

City and Colour in nineteen days omg! 

<3

200th post.

And I'm gonna dedicate it to the memory of Paul Gray who died today. He was an amazing bass player and was a pleasure to see live with Slipknot at the Hammersmith Apollo and at Download Festival. He truly knew how to play some raw and fuelled music. I hope wherever he is now he is still doing what he did best, entertaining millions of people with his music in the skies.

This maggot sends his love to you Paul. Rest in peace.

Wow man.

These iPod Touches can do almost anything :D

formspring.me

Well go on, ask me something you twerp. http://formspring.me/ArrigoVerde

I don't want to get older.

Its boring.

Listening to a lot of Slipknot lately.

They're so amazing. I'm looking forward to the next time I see them live. They were awesome at Hammersmith and they were like, perfect at Download last year.

I'm so scared for this phone call. I don't want to make it its too scary but, if I don't then the consequences will just get out of hand and I will be in something so deep that I'd suffocate.

Twenty-nine days until the best gig I will have ever been to. I'm so excited.

I will make it.

Haha, you hate me.

Duh, what did you expect?

formspring.me

Well go on, ask me something you twerp. http://formspring.me/ArrigoVerde

What the hell is happening to me :'(

I want to die.

I, umm. I'm still just as confused as the first day.

I've never felt lower.

Or more terrified.

I mean, I'm on the verge of my life just being shot to bits. I really am the most scared I've ever been in my life.

Election Night.

And I feel strangely excited.

How odd.

formspring.me

Ask me anything http://formspring.me/ArrigoVerde

It was a situation where, normally you'd be happy.

But to be honest, it kinda killed me =/

I'm disgusted in myself for almost making it seem like a game, like I had lost. As if it were some ultimate prize that I was fighting for. It's so much more than that though, and I did lose really.

I lost that which I never had in the first place.

If I could turn back time, maybe I would've tried to make it even clearer to you. Could've spared me a few things.





Let me explain how I feel right now.

I've got the most insane and electrified butterflies in my stomach but... All of their wings have been pulled off. So all they can do, is crawl. Crawl inside of me and make me feel sick and putrid.



Maybe that would help?

Just had the biggest urge.

To download Reason and create some dubstep.

If its good enough I'll post it here :)

I've felt this feeling before. A few times.

It means something for sure, but I guess it just needs to be confirmed.

Means it could be the end, but I could beat it like before. We'll see.

Ha.

Talented mc.

Cry.

That is all.

Alright, gonna record this acoustic album, then play some gigs, and then, maybe I'll feel a bit happier about myself.

Alright then.

When I go back to college.

Fuck work. I'm going to spend my time writing songs for the acoustic album I promised myself I'd record as a new years resolution.

Its the only way I feel any gratification and satisfaction, so why waste my efforts fruitlessly toiling on the laborious things I wish I never pursued?



Yeah I thought so.

June 14th 2010

I will get to see the most beautiful, talented, amazing, perfect man on the planet, play his most beautiful songs.

And I would've died if I missed that.

...

:')


Thank you Paula!!!!!

...

:'(

I'm writing you a song.

And there's just so much that I wanna say,
But these words won't let me say it the right way.
And I feel like you don't care.

This isn't just another game,
I know I'm probably just another name.
And I wish I didn't care.

Damn it, I would wait forever,
Wait forever for you.
The saddest part of this story,
Is how I never knew.

What to do?

Just thinking about my life really. As if I ever stop ha.

I just don't really know what I want anymore. I thought I did. I used to know what I wanted. Everything. Now its just, its like people are throwing millions of things at me and I can't decide what I want in case I don't make the grade.

I wish I hadn't gone to college, that's one thing I know for sure. I wish I went straight to Degree level. After finding out that I could've a few days ago, I felt like the biggest timewaster in the world. I just think how much happier I could have been! It would've been amazing!

I guess I'll just wait another two years though.

Fuck my life.

No really. I mean it.

Here's a poem I wrote, because I'm quite sad.

Even if these words were painted by you,
They could never be beautiful because,
They came from a coarse mouth,
Deprived of your sweet kiss.
I'd tenderly wait,
I'd aimlessly wait.
I'd endlessly wait.
I'll probably drown.

These waters of yours,
Are too brutal for me.
I can't find surface in you,
You make me sink.
Even after I've hit the ocean floor,
I'll still wait forever,
Attached to the bottom.

But still floating with you.
These words would never be beautiful,
I've painted no masterpiece.

But I've got comfort in my arms because,
You're here at least.

I'm staring across the sea,
Of my own success and failure.
Seems like if I tried to drown,
I'd wash up on the beach.

You gotta be kidding me,
As if you hadn't noticed.
Don't give me that.

Turns out this beach,
Was really the desert.
I reach out to these countless mirages.
Still thinking they can be touched.

You think forty days and nights was tough?
Try walking that all your life.
I've lost my destination.
But I never had a beginning.

Well, here it is.

"Hi yes thats great sorry haven been able to call you as we are quite busy today. the only worry i have is the health and safety stuff as your are under 18. i think we cud def arrange sumthin part time and mayb more in vacation. I wil get an email together :)"

"Ok good to hear from you :) if it made it any better i could arrange to take a course and get a certificate for first aid and blood borne pathogens. Speak to you soon :)"

"I was kind of thinkin startin with some reception work to train you about the studio consent forms etc. sterilisation before moving on to actual piercing. we would need to train you to do the stuff you haven done also. if that sounds ok."

"Yeah that sounds cool. How long would that process take roughly?"

"That kind of depends on how fast you learn. usually we teach people from scratch but you already have some experience which is good. the only issue i have is your age as i would need to find out how health and safety law would be as you are under 18."

"I usually find i'm a quick learner and it doesn't take much to give me the push but we'll see how that goes. Yeah i understand, i hope it isn't a problem haha that would suck."

"Yeah to be honest the rules can be different for minors so i need to check them out."

"I had a little look at the legislation regarding under 18s and seems to be its fine so long as a risk assessment has been made with regards to the employee. That would sound fine to me i'm not sure if that'd be a problem i mean, I've had jobs as a steward before and had risk assessments run and everything passed just fine."

"Yeah i have no experience of under 18s or risk assesment as i only normally interview 18 plus due 2 nature of the business"

"Yeah i can understand. Umm, so where would we go from here?"

"Well i just have to look into it more"

"Ok then. Well thanks for getting back to me when you're busy and I'll hopefully hear from you soon :)"



I don't know if that's good or bad =/

My phone.

Has beeped 37 times today.

AND STILL NOTHING. I'M SO TENSE UGHHHHHH!!!!!!!

I'm waiting on the phone call.

That could change my life.



And yes, I'm shittin' my pants.

Wow.

So, I've been offered an apprenticeship in a piercing parlour. I mean, wow. That came out of nowhere. I contacted the owner back in August and he e-mails me back last night asking if I'm still interested.

I'm so, like, I don't even know!

Plus, my belts are too big for me :)

Maybe things are looking up?

Could it be any more perfect?

I can't even look at my guitar.

This fucking SUCKS.

So now its time for the hard part.

And I'm gonna need you. All of you. But I can do this, I know I can :)




I really do, love my friends.

Easy away the problems and the pain.
The girl chose the guy that makes you wanna kick and scream.
All along, you wish that she would stay.
Fuck the guy who took her and ran away.

I wanted to prove myself wrong.

I wanted to try and get out of this system of seeing the vision, thinking about it, following it, then being upset and crushed by it.

I want to tell myself that this next one will be different, that I won't be a sucker to this one, that I can control my own life. I don't need to live a vision, I can live a reality.


But I know, I'll fall victim to myself just like every other time.

I've never been in it to win it.

It all goes around in the end.

Crushed.

Virtue is lost.


                                         Does it make you feel beautiful?


         This is life.                                                                    This apathy is worthless.



                                                                                                              Fuck.


    And are we so worthless?          
                                                                                We're burning for revenge.
                                                             Dying from the inside.
                        
                                                                                                      My heart I left with my promise to return.

                                  See it in my eyes how much it means.


To a heart that's beat has long since given out and given in.


                              Bury me five thousands fathoms deep.

                      There's blood in the water.
                                                                                 Burn all you love.
             No heart, no hope.
                                                                                                                         Now, taste the fear.
   


                 There is nothing I would not give.


                                               Humanity can sink.


                               Convulsions constrict your body into a portrait of agony.


                                                                                               Crushed.
              

Worst day of college so far.

But, it was a nice walk to Harrow. <3

One of the very first things I posted.

"Bliss you just can't seem to reach."


Its still true. GAH!

Another day, another chance.

And it'll be alright.

Gah.

I guess not.

"Why do we like to hurt so much?"

And it'll all become clearer.

Hopefully.

Got my custom hoodie.

Its so soft and it looks so cool.



On the other hand, I'm so torn up now... You leave me feeling like I know nothing at all. Do you do it on purpose? I can't tell. I wish I knew what to do. There are things I do want to do, but I don't know if I can or should.


Blehhhh.

Mff... I wish you wouldn't =/

You make me feel so terrible and like the most horrible person in the world and I don't really deserve that, even I know it. I know its not the most ideal situation but its not as if I'm not enjoying it either. I want to be able to just be all jolly and comply with what you want (because its what I want too) but it also proves detrimental to what I want to do in addition to that. I'm not doing this because of you, I'm doing it because of me and what I need to change about me.

I can't tell if you're kidding or not but, please, please, stop. I feel bad enough as it is =/

19 days.

Until the announcement for Reading line-up.

I'm so nervous D:

"Alright Henry?"

"No."

"Ok."

"..."

Wow thanks Dad.

Princess Leia where are you tonight?

And who's laying there by your side?


Every night I fall asleep with you, and I wake up alone.

This makes me happy.

Waiting.

For nothing.

I feel so lost in myself. I'm struggling to search for an identity. I keep asking whether I really need one though. Do I? Would it not be easier to just live as a blank. You can't get questioned if there's never anything to ask about you.

No that's just stupid, its impossible to be nothing. Nothing is the absence of something, therefore, for there to be nothing, there must be something.

Well then, what is my identity? I can't find it, nor can I choose one, it just, exists without you really having a say in it.

So then why do I feel as if I don't have one? I'm so lost.

I'm so excited.

If they don't play. I think I will actually cry.


No joke.

Omg *hearts*

Lol, I'm turning American again x] well... turning back to American.

I WANT THESE SO BADLY!!

Brb, going American Apparel.

In dire need of hugs.

I'm so faggety-emo lately. Well... More than usual really. I need to learn to stop that so I can actually try to be happier in future.

I dunno. Its hard for me. I'd like to try though.

I'm always gonna be "that guy".

The one that's really sweet.

Really nice.

Caring.

Helpful.

Wouldn't go out with him though.



Bummer...

You are not helping. Why don't you just GO AWAY.

12st 9lbs

I'm getting there...

That's 7lbs so far.

Prank day.

I really wanna go on a prank day. It'll lift my spirits. We'd have so much fun :D Maybe it'd be a good idea for one of the days at Reading?

I'm kinda excited for that idea haha :3

Upcoming purchases.

And tickets to see Parkway Drive :3

I'm gonna be rollin' in the Benjamins.

Plenty of meat to pierce in the upcoming months. Equates to plenty of dough for me. Equates to some fresh duds and gig tickets for sure.

Wonderful.

Oh plus those pills.

You know you can't give me what I need,
And even though you mean so much to me,
I can wait through everything.
Is this really happening?
I swear I'll never be happy again.
And don't you dare say we can just be friends,
I'm not some boy that you can sway.
We knew it'd happen eventually.

Am I just gonna go over this for the rest of my life? I really did try as well...

Men's Halfpipe Final

I've been waiting all night for this :D

I'm so sad and excited that I'm gonna post scores up here...

Oh, maximum score is 50 by the way, 5 judges who can score up to 10 points each x]

Run 1

Justin Lamoureux - 33.8

Markku Koski - 36.4

Mathieu Crepet - 25.9

Scott Lago - 42.8

Gregory Bretz - 18.3 BAILED

Markus Malin - 16.7 BAILED

Iouri Podladtchikov - 42.4

Louie Vito - 39.1

Kazuhiro Kokubo - 30.5 BAILED

Ryo Aono - 32.9

Peetu Piiroinen - 40.8

Shaun White - 46.8

Holy crappppp... Shaun White had an insane run O.o lets see if he can stick it for the second one haha :D

Run 2

Markus Malin - 18.6 BAILED (again, lol.)

Gregory Bretz - 13.0 BAILED (again, more lol.)

Mathieu Crepet - 8.7 BAILED

Kazuhiro Kokubo - 35.7

Ryo Aono - 29.1 BAILED

Justin Lamoureux - 35.9

Markku Koski - 25.0

Louie Vito - 39.4

Peetu Piiroinen - 45.0

Iouri Podladtchikov - 17.6 BAILED

Scott Lago - 17.5 BAILED

Shaun White - 48.4

FUCKING HELL! 1240 DOUBLE MCTWIST! SHAUN WHITE IS FUCKING UNTOUCHABLE!

Shaun White - Gold Medal (48.4)

Peetu Piiroinen - Silver Medal (45.0)

Scott Lago - Bronze Medal (42.8)

Insane.

I'm fucking going to bed man I'm tired from that final LOL.

Erm...

So since Monday I've lost another 1.5lb... What is going on seriously O_O

I'm not sure if I follow you entirely, what you're saying and what I'm hearing might be two different things. Or maybe I'm just making it out to be that way. I don't understand you right now and its not as if its hard to understand you, its just that its easy to misunderstand you. I want to ask for you to make it clearer but then, it might ruin that tiny piece of perfect I keep in my pocket to stare at on lazy days. I don't really want to lose that, but in all honesty, I'll never actually have that either.

Its all a bit pointless, isn't it?

Wtf?

I lost 3lb?!

How?! I didn't even do anything o.o

That's weird... I mean I know its not a life-changing amount of weight but, kinda weird =/

Body broken.

Ouch.

Still, they were good live, from what I remember lol.

Thank you Paula :3

Oh Jesus *heart*

Hopeless.

1. irremediable, remediless, incurable. 2. forlorn, disconsolate, dejected. Hopeless, despairing, despondent, desperate all describe an absence of hope. Hopeless is used of a feeling of futility and passive abandonment of oneself to fate: Hopeless and grim, he still clung to the cliff. Despairing refers to the loss of hope in regard to a particular situation, whether important or trivial; it suggests an intellectual judgment concerning probabilities: despairing of victory; despairing of finding his gloves. Despondent always suggests melancholy and depression; it refers to an emotional state rather than to an intellectual judgment: Despondent over ill health, he killed himself. She became despondent and suspicious. Desperate conveys a suggestion of recklessness resulting from loss of hope: As the time grew shorter, he became desperate. It may also refer to something arising from extreme need or danger: a desperate remedy; a desperate situation. Despairing and despondent may apply only to feelings.

When you kiss.

Its not a spark. Its a surge. It's enormously powerful and intensely emotional. Its uplifting yet brings you back down to earth. Its intimate yet brash. Its almost scary, but it manages to make sure your seat belt is plugged in so you can enjoy the ride. Its sweet and perfect.

Its something I miss.

Lol is it me or does this just happen on repeat...

At least I feel more like I know what I'm doing now. Just have to really put it into action I suppose.

We'll see.

Attention friends.

Where the fuck are you?!

Ugh. Am I gonna have to give up?

Well, this is it.

Just gonna go for it.

I know I can't regret it lol.

Yeah, it hurts.

But what can a guy do?

What, you want me to cry now? No, I don't think I will. Not tonight.

Plan.

No more drugs.

No more alcohol for a long, long time.

No more self-harm.

No more smoking.

No more giving up.

And lose some weight, fatty.

I'm not sure what to think anymore.

Its almost as if you've got an opinion that morphs, or at least is not set in stone.

What am I =/

Omg.

STOP ACTING LIKE THE FUCKING VICTIMS. THIS IS YOUR MESS THAT YOU'VE SET OFF NOW DEAL WITH IT INSTEAD OF DRAGGING ME INTO YOUR SHIT. I FUCKING HATE YOU. YES, I SAID IT, I ACTUALLY HATE SOMEONE FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE.

Thanks a fucking lot, assholes.

"Stop dreaming Henry, you're just a kid."

Fuck off.

Time to fucking fix up already.

In three months and a day your homes will plague you,
Your paychecks will haunt you,
And your love life will own you,
This is it,
We'll expect the cost.

Spring does not exist, neither does Jesus,
To whom inquires first.
While you sit their praying hard to a God that doesn't exist,
As your head follows down,
It's in your mouth.
Forty years, into nights,
Child this will end your life.
Forty years, of your life.

A bad taste.
A terrible sense of smell.
Fool yourself,
For the books your children bleed for.

Were going to throw the burning bodies,
Down the wishing well.

During a raping,
You can't get back your pennies.
During a raping you can't hold yourself on trial.

All we are, are fitter men,
Cast us as violent.
All we know can't hold us back.
Beautiful children with wreckless hands,
Will doubt them.

You might be perching on a high pedestal but I'm laughing from down below. I'm the one with the axe to chop down your forest and now you're going to burn like the wood you thought made you so, so special.

Haha.

Wall•E

The most beautiful film in the world :')

I just, don't really know what to say now. Where do you draw a line between success and not having failed? Because they're different aren't they? You might not succeed, but then, its possible you haven't failed too, isn't it?

I think I need to go away and think. I mean, I'm thinking already but, its the environment that needs changing.

I want to be different. A new person. A person that doesn't exist but has always been present in my head. That person mocks me every day of my life and I want to become them. Being tormented by a figment of your imagination is indescribably frustrating. You want it to end, and you should be able to stop it, but, you can't. And you never will. So you give up and let it.

Silently fatigued.

I'm not happy with myself lately. But because I'm just a pair of eyes bearing witness behind a cage that locks from the other side, I can't do anything about it.



When I reach the astral plane I'm going to mutilate whatever controls such desire because they don't know what it does to people.

For the record;

I hate snow.

And I love her.

I really, really do.





Its always cruel.

The taste of passion.

What would you do if I kissed you?

What would you do if I held your hand and laid you down?

Would you find me overly unkind to you?

Would you call me insensitive, and say that I deserve to die?

What do I do with all these feelings tearing me up inside?

What do I do with all these wasted hours dreaming of you at night?

I'd like to call you sometime.

What would you do if you knew the truth?

What would you do if I told you the story of my life?

Would you find me overly familiar towards you?

Would you call me crude, fling me aside to the birds?

What do I do with all these feelings holding me back inside?

What do I do with all these wasted hours dreaming of you at night?

I'd like to call you sometime.

I'd like you to need me one time.

I’d like to call you sometime.

What would you do if I kissed you?

What would you do if I held your hand and laid you down?

Would you recognize it’s a need I've been fighting for so long?

Would you recognize it’s a hunger only you can fill?

What do I do with all these feelings warming me up inside?

What do I do with all these glorious hours dreaming of you at night?

I'd like to call you sometime.

I'd like you to need me one time.

I'd like to have you all the time.

I'd like to call you.

New Year's Resolution.

Record a 4-track acoustic ep.

Start saving money to pay for a Blood-Borne Pathogens training course.

Find someone.

Beat day 91.

2010.

And the vision came rolling like thunder, the sound of galloping horses, charging towards me with unrelenting haste. Oh, this will be the defining year, it shouted obscenely whilst keeping score of its time. It was short, but carried with it the force of a thousand fists, each in turn taking their chance at beating whatever sanity is left.

There will be 91 days. And it will happen. That is what scares me the most, the curtain that shades it, the cloak that hides it.

The jester has you.