I can't wait to go back to college next week. I've been going insane by not seeing people over these holidays so, at least for 5 days I will see friends constantly. Hopefully it'll act as a top-up. Maybe that's what it is to me. I have to see friends often enough for it to make sure I don't lose the will to live from loneliness and deprivation.

Thankfully today I will get to see a lot of people but, still, as I've noticed recently, I've been losing contact with people and its upsetting to know that I could lose hold of people so easily and that also it could be so easily prevented.

Modern Warfare 2 blows.

Looks like I've got a knack for this. I'm still going to play it out even though I know I shouldn't.

But you can't break a Christmas promise...

Its Christmas Eve

and I've only wrapped two fucking presents and I hate, hate, hate your guts, I hate, hate, hate your guts and I'll never talk to you again, unless your Dad will suck me off, I'll never talk to you again, unless your Mum will touch my cock, I'll never talk to you again, ejaculate into a sock, I'll never talk you again, I'll never talk to you again.

Happy holidays, you bastard.

Acoustic.

I've been playing a lot of acoustic songs lately. I don't know what it is about them but they just make you feel so insignificant, as if there's always something bigger, something more important. For some reason though, it feels good to know that there's something bigger. Because you can aspire to be that bigger thing, to become what all those other people wish to be. It gives you a cause, a reason. And I love that.

Mind games.

Are we on the same level?

I don't know what it is that makes me feel like this. But its just in there, innate. I think they're almost like doors. They come as you walk through life.

I'm getting better at this, that's for sure.

Watched Twilight again today because I was tremendously bored. Such a let down of a film, honestly. Perhaps New Moon will be better but I'm seeing that on Monday so, until then, I need to make more plans to keep me from dying of boredom.

The snow. It hurts.

Fuck.

It almost happened again last night.

I don't know what to do anymore I may as well just get it over with and do it myself. The worst part is not knowing whether or not you'll actually get through that night.

At this moment in time I don't think I should have that little box in my room, its far too scary to think about the possibilities.

I am so, so ashamed of myself. I can't believe I let that happen. After all these months I thought it would be the last time but, alas, I failed again. I don't even know why I did it. It happened without me realising.

I'm going to be dead to a lot of people for a long time.

There's no reason.

Again I'm back to the first step. This feeling is all too familiar, clutching my mind and body an a ice-cold grip. Tearing the essence of life out of my heart. The remaining fibres of my stability are being stretched and manipulated into a shape I don't recognise as my own.

This isn't me anymore. And I don't want to live if that's what I become. I've had enough of living a life for multiple people. I wish I could just have a moment for me to be how I used to. I haven't felt human for years now, and I miss the life I used to have. So simple and unaware of everything. But I've been toughened up and I've had my skin grazed and my soul cut over the years. Its turned me into a nightmare.

I mean it. I always do. So I'm really scared right now, and I don't want this for me, but unfortunately I've come so close to it before that it could take so little for me to just step off and fall.

Or maybe I'd fly.

Excuse me while I cry.

Sigh ;(

I know I'm not the hero,

Standing on the rooftops watching over you.

I can only be the zero,

Standing in the streets over missed phone calls.

I'm not wearing the cape that I'd carry you home in.
I'm not always going to be standing strong and tall.

But I know I can wear my heart on me sleeve,

And catch you before you fall.

Its a start I suppose.

I want to write a new song.

I think its too late for me to say,

What I want to say.
I dream of you everday,

But you've gone away.

And I never got to say goodbye baby, goodbye.

And I never got to say goodbye baby, goodbye.

I've never moved on.

I used to be yours and you were mine,

We had so little time.

But still I can't get you off my mind.

You were so divine.

And I never got to say goodbye baby, goodbye.
And I never got to say goodbye baby, goodbye.
You'll never come home.

You were my dearest friend.

Will I see you again?

I do all I can just to pretend,

It never had to end.

I never got say goodbye baby, goodbye.
I never got to say goodbye baby, goodbye.
I've never moved on.

Please come home.

But I need ideas for it and at the moment there's nothing else in my mind.

It won't be so easy but I think that if I try hard enough then I can get out of this with less damage than normal. Even though its not what I really want, its what should happen and so I'm happy with it.

Just as the wind blows a dandelion seed in front of your face, sometimes you've just got to let that wish go. But maybe if you wait all day for them to blow away from you, you can wish upon a star instead.

One hundredth blog post. Certainly not the last. I want to thank Paula for introducing (forcing) me into making a blog as its actually one of the few things that I really enjoy doing. I may not write the most amazing, thought-provoking or even interesting blogs, but it gives me a medium to just throw words at so, thank you Paula, I'll make sure I go through a hundred more :)

This is me.

Before I go on, let me just say that I don't expect any of you to understand this post, I myself don't understand some of it myself but, I think its about time I wrote this down because maybe, just maybe it will give me a better idea about what I am.

Here goes.

There are five sub-personalities that I have. If I had to give them names, then the closest I would get would be to call them; Stable, Remorseful, Altruistic, Ignorant and Malignant. Each of these then lends a hand to building my complete, split personality. However at times, the contributions are not always proportional, thus leading to further permutations of multiple personalities. During intense, emotional times, one of these personalities actually completely dominates and leaves me feeling extremely fatigued just from all the thoughts in my head that it forces me to listen to.

I'll try to describe each of these sub-personalities.

Stable: Despite the name, this is not a completely happy, jolly side of me. It is just where I am emotionally stable and will not change my emotional state during the time that it is most dominant. So for example, if I were in a happy state and if Stable was dominant, then my state would stay happy. The same applies for negative states, etc. Stable leads me to think down a specific route and also it lends a hand to my persistence and ability to argue for causes which I may be wrong about.

Remorseful: With this sub-personality, I become extremely retrospective and look back on events that happened years ago. The only reason this happens is so I can blame myself for everything as when this is dominant, I believe that nothing else is the cause apart from me. That may sound like I'm thinking too much of myself, but, more often than not, it causes me to belittle and attempt to crush my spirit. Many times when Remorseful has been dominant, I've failed to act upon certain situations for fear of them turning out the same as similar situations in the past. Remorseful generally brings my state into a negative one, therefore if Stable were to follow and become dominant after Remorseful, it would usually end up with a lengthy depressive state.

Altruistic: Although altruism in itself is an extremely noble and selfless act, the way my mind perceives it actually emaciates myself from the need to also look after myself. Altruism is what leads me to want to help people, regardless of whether I should or not, regardless of who they are or what they mean to me. More often that not, Altruism will deprive me of the times where I myself need help, therefore leaving my problems unsolved and left open like burning wounds in a glorious sun.

Ignorant: This is the part that leads me to believe I am always right. It disregards all other morals, ideas, thoughts, emotions, beliefs and just scrunches them up tightly for me to spit back at you. When this is dominant I turn into a nasty person. However what I usually do is keep myself away from people so as not to disturb or hurt them. Sometimes however, Ignorant leads me to actually go against my usual morals and become someone else entirely.

Malignant: Malignant leads me to hurt people. However when this one is dominant, I still realise what I'm doing and wish that I'd stop, but for some reason, I can't. Whether it be physical or emotional, I cause harm to people, including myself. Luckily (if that's the right word) this only lasts in short bursts so, I'm able to reverse the effects as quickly as possible. When Malignant has control, I feel like a trapped soul in a war machine. Its a disgusting feeling.

Now all five of these lend a hand to my total personality. Of which there are multiple permutations. Obviously I cannot even begin to list these as its far too complicated and it would be unnecessary to do that. So I'll move on to how I process things.

Nothing gets past my eyes or ears without an immense amount of scrutiny and distortion. I don't mean to say that I'll see or hear something and then interpret it in some stupid way such as seeing a dog and thinking, "Oh look at the kitty!" No. I mean that my mind likes to play with reality and try to turn it into something that it believes is "more acceptable" for me to experience. Numerous times I might even hear or see things that haven't even happened. Due to this, I have visions of future events. And yes, they do come true.

I don't want to say anymore about this because the thought process of typing out this post is actually killing me as it has taken just over two days to finish. If you've got anymore questions then ask but then again, if you're going to ask them, don't be surprised if you leave with less answers than you do questions.

Nine random things about me.

1. I eat my food categorically. I start with vegetables, then move onto starchy foods such as potato or pasta. Then I eat the meat. There are exceptions. For example, Corn on the cob is always eaten last, as are Yorkshire puddings. Also if the food is all mixed together like Paella, then I just eat all of it.

2. The last time I really smiled was this morning on the bus. I got a text that made me feel warm.

3. My baseball team is the New York Mets. Shea Stadium is legendary.

4. I've never felt proud of myself. I haven't had a good enough reason to be proud of myself.

5. I don't think there's a greater feeling than feeling someone else's cold cheek pressed against your own and you can feel the heat being shared.

6. I have a scar on my forehead. I don't remember how I got it but its been there for years. And no, its not shaped like a lightning bolt.

7. Self-harm is ever so tragic but, exceptionally effective. I do not recommend you try it because it is extremely addictive. You might think I'm insane for thinking this, but, I already know I am.

8. When I'm upset I hook my finger through my left earlobe and stroke my ear lobe with my thumb. Its my comfort mechanism.

9. I could stare into your eyes forever. They're impossibly beautiful and I wish I could stay up with you for hours just to get to look at them for even longer.

He's really sexy now.

Wow :)

A stab at the heart of creativity.

The seizure of creativity lends a hand to the destruction of freedom and all beauty contained within them respectively. Even with this creativity however, there is no room for eloquent appliance of it in an environment that alienates you from your own personal body of comfort. When you are forced to attempt to deviate from your psyche, the most unique and individual part of the human, you can no longer use creativity as it has merely turned you into an extension of someone else's creativity. You become them. Someone who you are prepared to throw away every minute of your life to become. To copy. Just to make yet another clone of the mastermind that wishes to have total pleasure in knowing that they are the source of originality that is ruining more and more of the prospective masterpieces. We will occupy a world that is so parasitic that the host itself would surely rather end its life than let it be leached upon. Do that while you can still retain the last shard of your individuality. Because once you are done with it, the next person is only going to throw it onto the pile for rehabilitating into the perfect example of freedom-devoid constriction. What a wonderful world. Wouldn't it be so much easier if I just gave it all up, donned my issued uniform and never tried to think again. I don't think I'd like to find out.

I had such an awful day today but I just forgot it all in those few moments that I felt true comfort and equilibrium whilst in her presence.

Paranormal Activity.

Now then. If, like me, you enjoy a good comedy film, then I think you should give Paranormal Activity a go. Ok, so the tagline "The scariest film this decade" doesn't exactly make you think, "Wow, this will be hilarious!" but in all honesty, it was one of the funniest horror movies I've ever seen.

I don't ever find horror films scary. They're some of the funniest films you can watch, so just think how many laughs Paranormal Activity is chocced full of! It follows the story of Micah and Katie, a couple of four years who have been haunted by a presence in their house for quite some time now. They enlist the help of a paranormalist who unfortunately believes that he can not help them. The couple decide to video tape their lives so that they have evidence of what they're dealing with.

All in all, it is an amazing film, and the true rawness of the video footage lends a hand to what I can expect they were trying to convey as "scary", but I just found the entire ordeal amusing. No effects, no double-takes, no script. This film is one-hundred percent raw, live, real action footage. One of my favourite parts of the film is where Katie (who is believe to be haunted by a Demon since the age of eight) is dragged by her foot out of her bed and into the next room kicking and screaming, where she is bitten. Its comedy gold. The door is slammed shut and so Micah almost runs straight into it haha!

If you aren't a pussy and enjoy a good laugh, then go see Paranormal Activity. If you are a pussy and want to shit your pants, then go see Paranormal Activity. If you're weird and like plots that revolve around true events where people die, then go see Paranormal Activity. If you like seeing ghostly white figures with no real talent for acting, then go see New Moon. Faggots.

I wish I could feel happy for longer than three days at a time.

I feel inadequate. Worried. Angry. Deprived.

The worst thing is I feel as if I'm a terrible person for feeling like this because there are people worse off than me. I wish that everything could be made clear to me what I have to do so that i could spend less time worrying about that and more time actually doing it.

With every morsel of happiness I get, there's a great big side serving of grief to make it slide down the proverbial gullet even quicker. Sometimes I wish that instead I could just choke on it and get it over with so that I wouldn't have to go over that process again.

I feel like I get let down a lot. But I'm so very paranoid of that being repeated that I completely forget about it the instance that I feel like I'm going nowhere with anything else. Its probably why I'm too forgiving. Sometimes I just know I shouldn't forgive someone or even let someone into my life but, I'm so worried that they might be the last person I'd ever know that I just can't do that.

I'm too afraid of these things.

But I'm also too brave to take into consideration the effect it might have on my psyche. I think that there's no point, just go, do it, forget about yourself. Thus leading onto my altruism.

I think one day I will write out the inner workings of my mind. It'd have to be very basic of course as the full picture is far too complex to convey in simple pixels.

But maybe if you ask politely, I might just tell you all of that story.

I wish I was a better singer. I wish I was a better song-writer. I wish I was a better person.

I don't think there's much I can do about the first one. I can work on the second one I guess. The third one is my main priority though.

Lets give it a shot.

I got my new Vans today. Oh my god they're ridiculously buff. Vans have established themselves as the best shoe company in the world. Every time I buy them I fall more and more in love with their shoes.

Gonna show them off tomorrow haha ;D

And I really have to get out of here.

But I guess I wouldn't mind getting out half-alive.

That's how I first arrived.

Kicking and screaming along to my own silent tune.

But now the crowds will be singing it too.

"Where the hell would we be without what makes us cold?"

Climbing this mountain might not be worth it.

Are you even waiting at the summit?

Claiming this right to share what life is,

Isn't that what we think is worth fighting for?

I'm but the messenger.

I was bored on the bus and so scrawled these in my notepad.

And I never thought it would come to this,

What makes my world spin so quickly that,

Every second is lost to cruel darkness.

Even if I could save the day,

Wouldn't you wish for someone else to save you anyway?

Clearly I can see nothing past these letters,

That echo in my mind.

Haunting me, I thought I'd never let them,

Leave me cold, wet and blind.

And I never thought it would end like this,

The world has spun its woeful yarn and,

I can't keep up with it.

And you know, you know,

We need release.

I don't really like them that much =/

Can't wait for Monday.

Well then again...

I'm so torn between the weekend and college.

On the one hand, I get to just relax and do what I want. On the other, I get to see my friends and actually end up doing SOMETHING.

I wish Sunday's could end up being merged with Saturday and make one big nice day where people go out instead of wasting their time with homework and crap like that. Doesn't help that the weather today is even worse than how it was yesterday.

I miss seeing people every week.

Just as I expected.

Today was terrible.

The usual weekend with the usual amount of tears and the usual plan.

I walked to Ealing Broadway, took a bus to Richmond just because I saw the bus. Then walked to Kingston once I was done in Richmond. After that I walked halfway to Hampton before walking back to Kingston and taking a bus to Ealing again. I then walked from Ealing to Northfields, walked to the other end of my road and took a bus to Brentford. Then I just curled up in a ball on a bench for about half an hour. Decided to take a bus again back to Northfields and so I walked home because at that point I hadn't eaten for over 24 hours. The odd burst of tears was scattered here and there.

At least one thing productive came out of this. I suppose.

Weekends.

I've noticed that my weekends have been so drab lately and I have actually ended up resorting to just doing nothing at all.

That or I go out, by myself, and just wander around the lonely streets.

Kinda sad really =/

That's more like it :)

I love sitting on the bus and just smiling whilst listening to the cutest songs in the world. Makes me feel so warm and full of happiness. Something I've not felt like for a long time.

Mm :) (L)

The immensely conflicting nature of my mind is kind of getting me all in a mess. It doesn't help that there's just outside noise trying to distort what I already know. There's no point in just trying to tell someone what to do if they already plan on doing it. And don't try to tell me something like, "We're just trying to help."

I find it hard enough sometimes to do things that I mean to without people just adding to what my mind has to cope with. There are just so many voices I hear in my head and they all conflict with each other. I really wish I could reverse the damage done to my mental health but there isn't any hope of that right now.

I'm sorry. I'm doing the best I can.

You're not going to get any better.

You should try doing something different.

Why don't you just do it?

Why don't all these voices just shut up?

Errrrrrgh STOP!

For god's sake I don't want a repeat of last time =[ I've cried too much this week already.

What makes a man?

How one single action can instil so many feelings is just beyond belief but, I guess once you just experience it, you kind of figure that its just one of those amazing things in life that can never be explained.

I couldn't concentrate when I was learning the binomial theorum. I couldn't concentrate on creating an eight-note ground. I couldn't concentrate when I was revising complex trigonometry. But I couldn't care less :)

Its these little boosts in life that make it worth carrying on. I've had a lack of them lately but I think things are looking up now.

What makes a man?

I think I might know :)

I thought I knew what I was doing until today. Everything just collided and merged into one drastically beautiful picture in front of me. I left mechanics in tears because I just couldn't bear the day any longer.

When you're crying, the world looks slightly different. The world gets distorted through the tears that cling to the surface of your eyes and that precariously stick to the ends of your eyelashes. It almost looks as you want it to be for that tiny moment before it all gets flooded and you can't see anything at all.

I thought I knew what I was doing, but now I know nothing at all. Its just, too beautiful to even fathom trying to disregard and trample it as if it never existed. Its too inspiring to leave and not cite as one of your sources of creativity. Its too emotional to let escape from your heart.

I just wish I had something I could cling to, something I could hold and never let go. Right now I feel like I'm dangling over the cliff face that won't even lend me the edge to grab hold of.

Oh.

Wow.

This is promising?

A blog post concerning Danielle Flora Outen-Gejon.

And today, the fifteenth of November, 2009, marks the 17th birthday of a friend of mine who me and her have grown to become, "Gal Pals For Lyfeeee". And its true :) We're going to be friends for a very, very long time because I want to be friends with her for a very, very long time. She's sweet and caring and she hardly ever agrees with me but its in a good way. Makes for playful banter and interesting conversation. The kind I can't seem to find from any other person.

Her boyfriend is a very lucky man. She's a very special girl and you don't come across many people who are that talented, that clever, that funny and that loving in life. This time last year, I could have possibly came within touching distance of her at the Altamont Never Say Die! Club Tour 2008, but I didn't even know who she was until December of that year.

So, Happy seventeenth Birthday Danielle :) yesterday was fun and I hope today goes even better. Love you lots xxxx

I don't like to cry.

I can't.

I can't be bothered sometimes to pick up the phone.

I can't be bothered to change the channel if I'm watching a repeat.

I can't see why people would lie to one another.

I can't stand having to explain to people why I'm not cold.

I can't find a reason to explain why I choose to believe what I want instead of what everyone else in the world wants to collectively believe in.

I can't quit smoking.

I can't sing.

I can't lose weight.

I can't find a single thing about myself that I wouldn't want to change.

I can't drink anything carbonated unless its alcohol or I'm dying of thirst.

I can't listen to certain songs without crying.

I can't be affected by the sight of blood, regardless of what the situation is.

I can't believe I haven't died yet.

I can't smile if I'm sad.

I can't stand when people ask you to smile when you're sad.

I can't live with my family for much longer.

I can't do anything if I have creative block, even things not related to my creative field.

I can't let things go unsaid from now on. There's just too many opportunities that are being missed.

I can't ever consider my dad a father.

I can't get over things that happened years ago.

I can't tell people how much they mean to me.

I can't sleep sometimes because I'm worried that I'll have another chain of dreams that would affect me as badly as the last time.

I can't help look at some people and have to turn away because they remind of things they aren't even related to.

I can't understand why I have to have such a terrible, dark mind.

I can't deal with visions sometimes.

I can't wish for something if I know I don't deserve it.

I can't stand on wet leaves without thinking about how many people they must have hurt.

I can't write songs.

I can't ever forget you.

I can't pass a day without wishing that it was different in so, so many ways.

I can't get on a bus without getting off in a bad mood.

I can't sleep at night with people in my thoughts.

I can't wait until the next day I can hold someone's hand.

I can't think about whether or not it was my fault or not. I always blame myself so there's no need to think about it.

I can't bear seeing people shiver.

I can't drink alcohol unless I'm alone or with someone I love.

I can't believe the things I've done.

I can't see where it all went wrong.

I can't forgive my parents for blaming me and my music for everything that seems to go wrong for them.

I can't stop.

What do you do when you are stuck in the middle of the street. Both ends are exactly the same, but you're not even sure if you could make the journey to either of them.

Do you stand still?

Or do you choose an end?

There's only so long you can wish for before you think, "I guess this star just doesn't want to shine for me."

You feel as if you've got so much to do. But when you break it down, it turns out you may as well do nothing at all.

When you stand still time doesn't move for you, but it moves for everyone else. You can't let yourself get beaten by time, you have to always be ahead otherwise it'll trip you up.

But how can you keep ahead of time? You don't, you gotta make sure time is behind you.

You gotta keep your past behind you. The past is time, its just another time. Keep it behind you and it can't interfere with your present or your future.

It sounds so simple but, hardly anyone can actually do this successful. Those that can are some of the happiest people on the planet.

I'm not one of those people.

I won't ever be.

Sad but true.

I'm sorry.

Do I even have a family?

Fucking hell.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

Tomorrow is a worrying day...

Music is sucking the life out of me.

I've made 5 compositions now in the space of 3 weeks.

I also have to learn Bohemian Rhapsody for the college staff choir to perform at the Christmas concert.

I have practically no lunch times for the next 3 weeks because of choir practices.

I feel like I don't have creative freedom.

I need more time for me T.T

I'm thinking of scrapping Heretics and Killers - Protest The Hero and swapping it for We're All Alone - Architects.

Close his eyes; his work is done!
What to him is friend or foeman,
Rise of moon, or set of sun,
Hand of man, or kiss of woman?
Lay him low, lay him low,
In the clover or the snow!
What cares he? he can not know:
Lay him low!

As man may, he fought his fight,
Proved his truth by his endeavor;
Let him sleep in solemn night,
Sleep forever and forever.
Lay him low, lay him low,
In the clover or the snow!
What cares he? he can not know:
Lay him low!

Fold him in his country's stars,
Roll the drum and fire the volley!
What to him are all our wars,
What but death bemocking folly?
Lay him low, lay him low,
In the clover or the snow!
What cares he? he can not know:
Lay him low!

Leave him to God's watching eye,
Trust him to the hand that made him.
Mortal love weeps idly by:
God alone has power to aid him,
Lay him low, lay him low,
In the clover or the snow!
What cares he? he can not know:
Lay him low!

I will do this poem justice in musical writing.

I don't think I've ever wanted something so badly in my entire life. They say if you put your mind to something you can always achieve it. But doesn't that mean all you're achieving is the thought of it, not the physical form. You can't live off of spirit, you have to live in accordance with spirit.

I'm running on spirit at the moment, and it doesn't last that long.

Visions.

I have visions.

Visions that come true.

Its nice to know I can see future events.

But its scary to hold that responsibility.

Just think of that how I have the choice of telling someone whether I see something about them or not. It could be something terribly important to them, but also it could be importantly terrible. Would you tell them that this thing would happen to them?

I tried to stop having visions but, its not so easy. The last main one I had was in March. I predicted it'd happen in this month of November.

So its November, and by the looks of it, its coming true.

I've had a new vision. For April.

Its a scary one. I hope it doesn't come true. If it does then I don't think I'll ever be the same knowing that I have seen such a thing.

I promised myself that this one would be the last, but I guess I was wrong. Its something beyond my control.

Harsh.

And so we enter stage one.

Becoming distraught.

This will be fun.

Don't expect me to be good to talk to or fun to be around or anything for a while. Its not going to happen.

Venting.

I feel sorry for the people that are going to the next few gigs I'm attending.

They're not gonna go home feeling so great.

Read this if you care. But its a wacky trip.

I don't want my feelings to get the better of me.

But I want to be better for you.

What's the point of feeling if you don't even get the chance to follow.

I could wander aimlessly across the streets but always know where I'm going.

Just because of what's inside.

Its what's inside that lets you understand what's outside.

But without the outside to understand.

You've got no reason to even have an inside.

If I could understand the outside then I'd have reason.

I've had reason, and I've had understanding.

But I've not had the two in conjunction.

I'd very much like that one day.

This may seem like a pointless blog post.

It may as well be.

But I'm not exactly sure what is going on in my mind at the moment.

And this seems to be the best way to get it all out.

I regret nothing but I look back and mourn on the past.

My past is nothing to be proud of.

Neither will my future be.

I often don't see a point in waiting on this train to get off at the next stop.

I often think it'd be much easier to just jump into the next carriage.

And join the beautiful girl in red.

Unfortunately.

Our trains don't have the same destination.

I don't want to have to make the effort to intend to do something.

And then never do that.

I've got feelings.

I've had them before.

But they hadn't been noticed.

That's what makes things harder than they need to be.

Its not like I tried not to notice them.

Its just that they didn't make themselves clear enough to me.

Or maybe it was that I wasn't making myself clear enough to them.

I don't think I'm fair to myself most of the time.

I think I should give myself a break.
But I also think that if I did, I'd lose what I am.

I try to be myself, that's the only person I've ever been good at being.

You can't change me.

I can try to change myself.

Its not easy.

I suppose it's doable though.

If you've ever felt like you've had to change just to achieve something.

Just so you could know how it felt.

Then you've got nothing to hold onto anymore.

Its never worth it.

That's what some people say.

I don't believe them.

Its always worth it.

But the method isn't always.

Travel is a means to an end as they say.

Too bad I feel like I'm just running in circles.

In my mind.

I don't mind.

But I do care.

And its these amalgamated emotions that lead me to my slow and painful breakdown.

I expect I'll hit another depressive state within the next week.

It'll be a bad one too.

I really bad one.

I don't think I'll get out of it so easily.

I will get out of it.

I always do.

But its not exactly the nicest walk through a summery park.

There are people that I love in life.

And they are what keeps me going.

They keep me waiting for the nice walk through a summery park.

I can dream of that day.

Its always changing.
But it gets better and better.

Too bad that's in my head.

I won't let my feelings get the better of me.

But I still want you.

I'm going to save my money to buy a banjo and learn how to play it.

Hear me out here.

Ok, I love going to gigs. Can't get enough of it. Its brilliant. Good music, go with your mates, have a laugh maybe have some drinks. Brilliant.

But I am fucking sick to death of all these complete fucktards who come to gigs to deliberately ruin other people's night.

The twats who try to trip people or punch people running in the circle pits.

The cunts who push small people who OBVIOUSLY do not want to go into the pits into the middle of them.

The shiteaters who deliberately aim punches for people's faces.

The wankers that steal crowdsurfer's shoes and throw them into the crowd.

The dickheads that try to stop you from moshing because they're too "claustrophobic".

The pussies that stand at the edge of the mosh pit and just send out kicks to anyone who comes within a metre radius of them.

The assholes who don't try to help you stand up when you've fallen, but instead push more people on top of you.

Fuck all of you.

Now I realise that the type of gigs I normally go to require a high level of physical exertion. And, if like me, you're going to pit, you're going to get hurt. But there is no reason whatsoever for all these stupid pieces of shit coming along and making it any harder for you.

Yesterday I went to a gig. Excellent gig, lots of good bands there and the atmosphere was generally good. But, as expected there were the usual crowd of assbandits who think its a right laugh to try and get you seriously hurt.

I was hurt pretty badly. But more than I expected I would.

So I'd like to say, thank you to;

The jerkwad who deliberately punched me in the guts during the circle pit for Architects. I hope you enjoyed your face full of rubber when you got knocked the crap down. You deserved it.

The scum that stomped on my chest when I was on the floor when he KNEW I was there and didn't even try to help me. I'm sure you shit your pants when I tossed you into it and you didn't hit the ground running.

And finally, the douchebag who thought it'd be hilarious to deal about ten blows to my back when I was standing STILL at the front barrier. Thanks a lot.

Fucking assholes.

On the other hand. Thank you to Architects, Despised Icon, As Blood Runs Black and Oceano for some good music.

More lyrics.

I'd spend a million years alone,

Just so long as I could feel.

I'd walk a hundred million miles,

And go without a single meal.

I'd give all my things away,

Just to hear you say,

I love you.

I'd scale the tallest summit,

Just to show you the horizon.

Then I'd camp there through the night,

To find our shooting star to wish upon.

Forget tomorrow 'cos today,

I just need to hear you say,

I love you.

And just imagine what it'd take to break us up when,

Nothing powerful enough could ever bring us together.

You'd always smile and I would always dream,

But just for that smile, I'll dream on forever.

That's all I got.

Depending on my mood tomorrow, I might end up doing something stupid.

Today's blog post is sponsored by the emotional response towards affection.

Hancock is such a sad film :'(

Will Smith is such an emotional actor during death scenes.

I want reason.

Even if the skies are grey.

Will her feelings come what may?

A smile can go a long, long way.

They're both so beautiful.

A blog post concerning Victoria Kathleen Cheung Wai Yi.

On this day that is the 31st of October we marks numerous occasions. All Soul's Day, Hallowe'en, El Día de los Muertos. But of course there's something just that tiny bit more special than those three dark and dismal celebrations of the cheerful subject of death.

Today marks the 17th birthday of Viki, a new friend of mine that I met through college. Although mischievous, she's a wise person who I can tell has a very caring heart. I'm awfully glad I did meet her because she's one of the people that has that ever-so-necessary ability to make you smile and laugh through your worst days. She's a beautiful person in every aspect that I know of her and so I'm sure that our friendship will extend beyond college (here's hoping at least, cock jokes are what's keeping me from going insane due to mechanic's).

So, Happy Birthday Viki, I hope you have a lovely day and also that the Geisha outfit doesn't go to waste as you'd look fantastic as one. xxx

The truth will set you free.

Just hold my hand.

I'll keep you safe.

I know you're confused.

But I will always refuse to take you for granted.

Change.

It has recently been claimed that, if Obama is doing it, it is officially cool.

Who can blame you for thinking that, Obama is the epitome of cool. The human personification. The cats pajamas. The bees knees. And so that's why I'm jumping onto his already over-booked bandwagon and deciding that I'm going to change.

Not in a drastic way that you'll be taking a step back and in the sort of tone that is in conjunction with being aghast retort, "Henry, how could you?!". No. I'm going to change subtly. In a way that will make me feel happier. I want to change this specific part of me because for far too long it has ruled over me and hindered my capabilities. It's preventing me from being more than what I can be.

You can't blame me for that, can you?

Through this change, I will be happier, and I will be able to do more than my best for my friends. Its almost like a detox, getting this constant cycle out of my system. In some sense of the word, I am rehabilitating myself because, through this change, I will gain more.

Albeit, I will lose something as well, but you can't have your cake and eat it.

I'm going to keep doing this from now;

Today's blog post is sponsored by the emotional response towards nightmares.

I had an awful nightmare yesterday involving my life if I kept living the way I do now. Quite literally, it scared the bejesus out of me. So, in attempt to stop Mystic Meg having her wicked way over my life, I'm taking control and changing a part of my mind. My thought process. I'm changing how I'm hardwired in a specific part of my brain.

Think of it as Blizzard creating a new patch for World of Warcraft.

It will strengthen my emotions, fortify them. Make me better.

I'm doing everything I can now to do this. So don't blame me I guess if it all goes horribly wrong and I end up fruitlessly wasting away due to me cutting the wrong wires.

Lovely.

Am I the only one that sees it?

Is it that hard to actually notice...

You'd think the world wouldn't find it so hard just to take a step back, turn everything off for one moment and try to concentrate long enough to see each other for what there really is.

Everything that a human does is processing. And so therefore, you should be able to take everything in, because you're processing everything you feel, see, smell, hear and taste. There isn't anything that you can't in some way sense in this world, so why do things go unnoticed so easily?

I had a really nice day today but... Now I just... I feel so defeated.

I sometimes wish I could change, just to see what its like to live like these other people do. But how would that make the world any nicer?

I'm seeing my dear friend Jamie today for a few drinks. I do love these days that I have with him. We'll get a good chat out of it and hopefully end up going home feeling a bit lighter.

I've needed a day like today for a while really so, I'm gonna enjoy it.

Today's blog post is sponsored by the emotional response towards alienation.

I feel very alienated as of late, and it doesn't feel very nice at all. I'm also very wary now and I'm awfully paranoid about how I'm being treated...

The strange thing about paranoia is that it is a fear of something that isn't happening. Yet more often than not, the something that isn't happening, actually is.

Food for thought...

I've made up my mind.

And I'm already regretting it, even though I haven't done anything yet.

This is gonna be hard =[

So, I decide to come home.

And I'm welcomed with, "Oh, do I know you?"

Charming.

I could've stayed away for longer.

I don't know why I didn't to be honest...

Oh, premonitions.

How you haunt me.

Floating away.

Someone please, kill me now.

I can't deal with everything at the moment and I'm just dying inside.

I need people off my back, I need things off my mind, I need weight off my shoulder.

I need to make myself happy but I'm so desperately incapable of doing that that I don't even see any hope of that being possible.

I need help.

Fuck my parents.

Fuck my house.

Fuck my schizophrenia.

Fuck my respect.

Fuck my emotions.

Fuck everything.

The walls of this house aren't soundproof. They have many secrets to share.

None of which I wish to hear.

I really don't think I can take this constant bullshit for the rest of my time living here.

I want to live somewhere else. Away from these people...

The sound of a revolution.

When you can't get up.

When you can't breathe.

When you can't muster a smile.

When you can't dry your tears.

When you can't feel a thing.

When you can't see the sun.

When you can't hear the wind.

When you can't bear the weight on your shoulders.

When you can't find hope.

When you can't believe a word.

When you can't resist a vice.

When you can't take another step.

When you can't go on.

I'll be there.

Arms wide, heart open.

Fucking being poor.

Excellent.

Just another thing I'm not good enough for.

Not only that but I'll have to live without the hopes of actually being able to afford anything for a long time.

"Why bother putting anything into life when you just don't seem to get anything out of it."

I believe the expression is, FML.

We're better together, but still we're going nowhere.

Good night...

A silhouette in the backroads of this town,

A cold embrace turns to an even colder frown.

A tear runs down the face of a girl in a photograph.

But it’s all I have.

I haven't cried like this for a long time...

Ugh, end.

Lyric writing session.

I could pick a thousand words but none of them could set the sky to the perfect shade to match you.

I could sing a thousand songs but none of them could make you smile.

I could do anything you wanted but never give you what you needed.

I could never make it me and you.

I'm very bored and I just don't have the patience to do anything other than this.

Oh my god.

I am going to scream.

Piercing costs

For future reference this is what I'm going to charge for piercings from now on;

Ear Piercings:

Lobe - £10

Horizontal Lobe - £15

Tragus - £15

Conch - £15

Helix - £15

Industrial - £15

Scaffolding - £20

Rook - £15

Daith - £15

Anti-tragus - £15

Orbital lobe - £20

Snug - £15

Nose Piercings:

Nostril - £15

Septum - £20

Facial Piercings:

Labret/lip - £15

Vertical Labret - £25

Medusa - £20

Eyebrow - £20

Anti-eyebrow - £25

Cheek - £20

Monroe - £20

Bridge - £25

Navel Piercings:

Navel - £20

True Navel - £25

Horizontal Navel - £25

Nipple Piercings:

Nipple (Ring) - £15

Nipple (Bar) - £20

Genital Piercings:

POA

Surface Piercings:

Surface bars - £20

Skin Diver - £25

Microdermal Anchor - £30

:D

Arrigo. Meanwhile, back in the real world. says:

go as paula

Chris Paula Who's The Kid With The Coolest Trainers On? Who's Getting Ripped Cos They Got The Label Wrong? says:

LOOOL

Arrigo. Meanwhile, back in the real world. says:

and she should go as you

oh wait

she already is

GEDDIT

Chris Paula Who's The Kid With The Coolest Trainers On? Who's Getting Ripped Cos They Got The Label Wrong? says:

-___-

Arrigo. Meanwhile, back in the real world. says:

LOL

Ahhh :D

I want some new clothes.

Mainly some tartan shorts;

A nice belt;

And a new pair of Vans;

I'd also like a blink-182 shirt and a Protest The Hero shirt, but I'm not counting on that x]

Soooo much money D:

Reasons I need money:

Ticket to The Devil Wears Prada; £12

Ticket to the Imperial Never Say Die! Club Tour; £10

Ticket to The Fall Of Troy; £10

Ticket to the Rockstar Energy Drink Taste of Chaos; £22

Gah.

Meanwhile, back in the real world.

You know its been a sick gig when you're so tired from 3 hours straight of moshing and skanking that you can't be bothered to show up for your college talent show.

I had a lovely time with Jamie today drinking apple ciders and just chatting about life. He's such a genuine guy, I love him so much :)

This is the anthem I'm hooked on at the moment by the ridiculously epic Sonic Boom Six.

Don't blame me if you feel the need to skank, its quite common.

In addition, I'd like to express my total glee in being in the same corner shop as Adam from The Apostates last night talking about how I've wanted to catch them live for over a year now, then also about pot noodles (the green ones, obviously). Fucking cool guy.

On a seperate note, I've honestly not got much left in me in terms of restraint. I'm awfully worried...

Lets see how this plays out then.

Shakespeare, you dog.

The poem that caught my eye on the tube home yesterday. Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?

Thou art more lovely and more temperate:

Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May,

And summer's lease hath all too short a date:

Sometime too hot the eye of heaven shines,

And often is his gold complexion dimm'd;

And every fair from fair sometime declines,

By chance or nature's changing course untrimm'd;

But thy eternal summer shall not fade

Nor lose possession of that fair thou owest;

Nor shall Death brag thou wander'st in his shade,

When in eternal lines to time thou growest:

So long as men can breathe or eyes can see,

So long lives this and this gives life to thee.

There are only so many moments I can take where I have to hold myself back.

One of these days I'll make a fool of myself, it'll be the day I disappear.

Whenever I close my eyes I can see a completely different world in which I see things as I would want them to actually be. Then I take the moment to think, I can't actually see anything with my eyes closed.

What I really need to do, is open my eyes, and make things how I would want them. That way I'd never want to close my eyes again because...

It would already there...

Too bad it isn't that easy.

In all my efforts.

I've never found it so difficult to write a song in my entire life. Its actually quite depressing to be honest. The music is in my head but my fingers won't let the sound pass into tangible space.

I found solace today in that I reckon my semi-final audition went well today. The judges seemed to enjoy my performance and they were paying attention to it.

One word on University however. The whole thing at Sussex University makes it look like it is a festival. I genuinely mean that. I realise there is a lot of work but in reality, University is not that hard. Its almost like living a life where you don't have to do anything at all.

For once in my life I actually feel like I could achieve something wonderful but, I don't exactly know how or when.

We'll have to wait and see I suppose.

If any of you have ever spent a moment channel-hopping and have stumbled upon this quirky creature... ... I urge you to resist that temptation to ignore him and actually spend the remaining minutes watching this cartoon. It is the best cartoon you will watch on Cartoon Network in the UK at the moment.

Speaking of which, whilest I was engaged in the practise of channel-hopping, I found myself this song which I think is the best example of hard-rock that Australia has to offer.

Ladies and Gentlemen, meet Mammal...

Lovely.

Oh, and for those that were wondering, the purple cat/bear/rabbit thing is called Chowder and he is an apprentice chef. You can catch him on Cartoon Network everyday.

Lets hope I did enough.

This song could be worth £500 to me.

Fucking beautiful song as well <3

*drools*

<3

She makes me feel like it's raining outside,

And when the storm's gone I'm all torn up inside.

I'm always nervous on days like this, like the prom.

I get too scared to move, cause I'm still just a stupid, worthless boy.

Sussex University. Check.

Epiphone Les Paul Prophecy GX. Check.

I want to go to that University so badly. Brighton is the perfect place for me at that age.

I want that guitar so badly. It just felt perfect in my hands. The tone was immense. I couldn't believe that a guitar could actually sound that good.

I've had a headache all day which has really been bugging me but, still, today was alright really.

Had a bit of a "heavy" feeling today though.

SO MUCH HOMEWORK! D:

I hate getting to the weekend and being so worn out that you just can't even look forward to it.

And the fact that I'm not going to have a weekend seeing as how I'm going to a University Open Day in Sussex.

Ugh.

Really could do with a pair of welcoming arms right now.

My eyes hurt from being so tired, to the point where its actually just not worth keeping them open. And in actual fact I am typing this with my eyes closed so if I make any mistakes I'm not going to correct them.

*opens eyes*

I'll share my dream with you from last night:

I dreamt that I was in a perfect summer's blossom.

The trees were a beautiful shade of fuchsia and the petals of the flowers littered the pavement that I walked on.

Everywhere I looked people were happy. Couples walked together smiling and gazing into each other's eyes. Parents watched as their children played in the grass, staining their clothes. Elderly people sat and reminisced about the times they wish they could still live. Everything was perfect.

For them.

As I walked on, the entire world warped. The trees became petrified and the branches became white as bone. The petals on the floor rotted and coated the pavement in a thick, black sheen.

There were no couples, only solitary people who only seemed to live for hatred. The children, however, played on unaware. They rolled around in the floor, only to stand up covered in red stains. They blissfully continued as if all was well. The elderly people had vanished altogether, leaving only the memories that they had experienced in wallets and purses, forever imprinted into photographs that no one would take notice of.

Coming to the end of what seemed like a road. I found a door. It looked curiously familiar, yet also displaced as if it should never have been there in the first place. Upon opening it, I stumble onto another familiar scene. I turned around to look back on what I had just walked out of only to realise something that made me cry when I woke up.

I had walked out of my own house.

It crumbled around me after I had realised this, revealing three people. They all went their seperate ways. After this, the world returned to its normal, blissfully ignorant summers day. I went on, happy and with shoulders relieved.

Only in a dream.

Things I love.

I love seeing people in the morning when they look all tired and rough.

I love when people are so cold that they just steal hugs from me.

I love being able to see my own breath.

I love seeing people's eyes change colour in the sunlight.

I love when someone has an itchy nose and they scrunch their face up.

I love seeing someone smile at something in their head.

I love listening to my iPod with people.

I love when people ask for my help.

I love when I see parents doting on their babies.

I love hearing people laugh but not being able to stop.

I love waking up knowing I get to see my friends in a few hours.

I love being away from home.

I love holding hands with someone and it just feels right.

I love the moment just before your lips touch where your bodies just fit like a jigsaw.

I love the smell of clean hair.

I love the days where you feel so cosy you can't be bothered for anything so you just curl up.

I love when you feel appreciated.

I love seeing girls who try to hide themselves when they really don't need to.

I love hearing music that makes me cry.

I love helping people achieve a look.

I love being able to listen to a piece of music and feeling proud enough to say, "I wrote that."

I love getting on a bus with no people on it.

I love sleeping on trains.

I love when friends try to make you feel better even though its probably not worth trying.

I love going to bed wondering how on earth tomorrow could be better than today.

I love feeling warm because of someone else.

I love going to festivals.

I love creative people and being creative.

I love reading horoscopes and getting excited over them.

I love giving clothes to people to keep them warm even though I might not get them back.

I love knowing that all of these wouldn't amount to you though.

And that's what matters most at the moment.

Nothing like a good piercing (or four) to release a bit of negativity.

Performed one daith, one tragus, one helix and one hip skin diver today. Was good fun although I could tell that Paula and Shell didn't have so much fun. The balls had the smallest of dimples so it was kind of hard to get them in =/. I'll nab some pictures for it and post them soon.

College was awful today. I now officially hate maths and I mainly hate mechanics. There was a reason I didn't choose physics for A levels.

I don't want to go in tomorrow. I really, really don't...

The only good thing to come from negative emotion is beautiful music.

A* in Music here I come...

Its so tempting to just, reach out sometimes.

But you can't.

You just can't.

I feel hurt...

Why?

We'll never find out perhaps.

Bring the light.

Shot down I stood
Withstood my neighborhood
I got it wrong
But I could
Follow love lest I learn

It's light
To bring the light
I fought with all my might
With light
Oh bring the light

Light
Bring the light
I never felt so good and right
But tonight
You'll never need another sound
Oh bring the light
Bring the light to me

Here and gone oh I trust
You'd spit upon my dust
And mix my ash with your blood
A son of God you know you must arrive
In the light
Bring the light
Let's bring the light
Light
Oh bring the light

Light
Bring the light
It's yours not mine
If you just want to survive
Go grab a glimpse of any star
In heaven's high
I never felt so real and loved and alive
No shadows follow me unsung
In the light
Bring the light to me

A flower song, clear and bright
Is it wrong in neon white
To insist you are mine
Standing dumb in the light

Bring the light
Oh bring the light
Bring the light

Light
Bring the light
I never felt so real and right and alive
Don't let them steal you from what's yours by right
Light
Bring the light
You know there comes a place and time
You can't deny
With every movement shadows cast and align

Bring the light
Bring the light
Bring the light
Let's bring the light
Light
Bring the light
Bring the light
Let's bring the light
Light
Bring the light
Bring the light
Let's bring the light
Light
Bring the light
Bring the light
Let's bring the light
Light

Sigh.

Well.

I was just in a car crash...

This day gets better and better.

Sigh.

You can always trust in your family to make you feel like crap...

I need to get away from here.

Yesterday I drank my first coffee.

It was surprisingly nice considering I hate coffee (:S)

Perhaps it was just because it was consumed in Central Perk Café.

Who knows. All I know now is that I want another one ¬¬

Moving on from that, yesterday was a good day :D

Traversing to Ealing Broadway to meet Paula and Nadia and then traversing to East Acton to meet Shell and then traversing to Oxford Circus to queue up to get into Central Perk Café (this took three hours).

Meeting Lounisse, Sean and Hannah in the queue about 5 minutes after we got there and then meeting Drilon about an hour after we got there.

Chris eventually found his way to us two hours later, followed by Andy.

High fives go out to the woman that baited out the two queue jumpers LOL!

Chinese was nice afterwards but I really didn't want it =[

Thank you to Paula for buying my travelcard yesterday but I feel bad for that (it costs £6.30!).

Thank you to Lounisse and Chris for buying the Shredded Chicken Noodles that I really didn't want them to buy for me because I would also feel very bad for that...

People spent £11.70 on me yesterday ¬¬

I also got to see Danielle and Chris afterwards on the way home. We watched Lord of the Rings/The X Factor/You, Me & Dupree/The Boondocks.

Speaking of Chris, one of my packages has arrived but I'm not sure which one because they left that goddamn red note saying that they couldn't deliver it =[

Early start on Monday so I can collect it from the Post Office then.

This has been a very long post I know, but I feel as if yesterday necessitated it as it was (as I predicted) a good day.

Finally I leave you with the usual "song-I'm-listening-to-at-the-moment".

Smashing Pumpkins are such a dream of a band...